I ' d D i e F o r Y o u

Ode to my family

2007-10-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

Discussion of marriage - Check

Money wise- In the process

I have yet to think about our graduation and the work. The last two years would be damn fast, gee so exciting!

Any how's I went for The Body Shop makeover marathon as one of the contestants. The best part is I get to donate to their funds for women whom are abused. Personally I have witnessed one. It holds a special meaning to me, i wish to contribute more. My preliminaries are coming in January. I have yet to practice my BM and statistics and sociology and to write this entry itself takes time. Sorry sayang I haven't been updating.

The experience was great. I want my pictures sayang. I learned a lot of makeup tips. interesting. I tell you when the day is near I am sooooooo ready.

Anyways, nothing much to update. Till then c'ya. I'm more than happier to let it what it is. SAYANG LOVE YOU!

Pieces of me

2007-08-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well2x. It seems that my sayang knows me better than i ever knew myself. I love it when you can tell.

Sometimes I feel like i'm dating my twin sister. LOL.

I have offically change team. Now2x, every great responsibility comes with great risk. Hahaha. Sayang I'm afraid I won't be a good leader, sister, cousin, lover, mother, wife. Entah ar sayang, I am afraid. If only the world understands. I dun wan a position at work, I want my work to be WORK. Nvr md. I know i can't have perfection. I'm super hardworking and bossy...that kills ppl. When say sth I mean IT.

Sometimes being a leader u get into crossroads. When u want to scold them, they are your mates. Never ever compromise. But it's hard! they are my men too. :(

Put aside work stuff, i'm having my break now for two weeks before I start sociology classes as well as statistics. YES. SATISTICS. The horror.

Well, My love life has been mundane. Same thing everytime but with a few gliches here and there. We managed to get thru this money crisis thing. I'm happy enough. Biar we susah now, then later. I will settle nothing less than a 4 room flat. or rented for that matter. Duit marriage nak save lagi, school money nak save lagi. So many randoms thoughts been going tru in my head till it comes to the extend that I do not know which one should I start thinking about first.

Home, well sucks. Sometimes I feel that asking another person's help is useless. What MATERRS most is that we help each other between ourselves in a family. No point I state all the bad incidents. Its never ending. Tiring.

Till then, I love you sayang. Always.

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YAY!! yan's back

2007-07-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ola!!! muhahahha.

I'm happy lar sorry. Been busy lately. My god how long didn't I blog.. LOL!

Ok confession, i'm lazy plus there's many busybody's around me so I rather they approach me and ask how am I more sincere. * Winks* I had many2x choices but I choose to lead my life tis way. Currently i'm studying for management theory, in short critizing or advising certain business or predict those who can make it or not. Like i mention before to husain in every succesful women's life there is a man behind her who loves her dearly andd......that's yOU SAYANG! muacks. We've got a bright future of us ahead. Can't wait to get lost from here...few more years...pray for me, by then i will start a whole new life again with a new family. The thought of it just spurs me up.

Work has been well tiresome juggling between work and schoool, not that easy my friend. I often go back at 1 or 12 everyday. Meeting husain later for revision and drink our fav hot drink at tcc. So far in counting met countless number of ppl which i dun bother to look up coz it's my past anyways. Let us be happy. I know we're better off than you so I'm contented with what I have and the best part is I enjoy what i'm doing. So yeap2x.

Aightz, gtg and read papers. MOrning ritual. oH YEAH BEFORE I GO. Video time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lt6o8NlrbHg&mode=related&search=

Siapa makan chilli feel hot hahahhaha!

Yummy2x I got butterflies in my tummy & I feel like loving u

2007-04-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

Muhaha. *evil laughs*. Hi2x once again. I am feeling absolutely chirpy for no rhyme or reason. I noe my rantings won't be read that much except for syg.
You see this is life. What goes around comes around...goes around comes back around. Makes sense? The world revolves in a circle formation.
The best thing about being in this state is...you get to see how others crumble and fall under their own mistake for being stubborn muhahhahahahha! I'm so evil i noe. muahhahahhaha!

Right on a ligther note, I've gained a confirmed entry to SIM(RMIT)BM. Just left with signing of legal papers and payment of fees....5k for one fucking sem. Imagine that. But daddy and I have been putting alot of fucking effort in this thing. So better make it worth it izyan.

Guess what?I have offically quit smoking and drinking for GOOOD. Yeap2x. I told ya. All i need to hear from that someone is a stop and I will. So far it's been smooth .sailing with syg. Sorry for writing MD HUSAIN BTE RASHID . It's suppose to be Bin. LOL. As per normal. Selenge. Some things never change.

Today don't feel like swimming with syg so that's why I didn't instead here i am infront of my PC catching up on my blog coz i feel that i should give it some updates coz lately there's been a lot of things going on and i dun really feel like giving an update coz there wld be many makcik kepos ard bothering abt my life so yeah. Inshort no updates abt me and syg. If you wanna noe. ASK ME. MSN ME. MSG ME. CALL ME. Communication in the 20th century isn't that hard. Plz...aightz?

Lately i've been bumping into a lot of ppl. Uds, Lin, Hamizah.....azran...etc...and all of em give me that look. Yes a new one. Why? Hiazzz...i noe 4 yrs. But hey i'm not going to regret . I am happy now and it feels right to do what I sld do coz it's the right time right moment. Wantings and needing a two different thing. Learn that.

Aightz. With that i wld like to end today's entry with a verse from the song - " Yummy2x I got butterflies in my tummy & I feel like loving u " ...bye syg.
More kentut's coming up. *smiles*

It's real.

2007-03-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

Like finally again, I can nod my head and say yes.

I'm so tired of describing lar. Let the world discover us not the other way round ya syg? It's funny how fate works. Three months ago, i told myself

He teach me the meaning of islam. Halal dan haram. It's different coz u noe y? This time round I waited. We, waited together for the perfect moment.
I nearly lose this chance abg...but I didn't coz I want to give myslef a chance to trust and love all over again...coz i noe u're different and never did i regret making my choice. Never. Like after so long man. FINALLY. muacks . Insyallah. The future's not ours to see...que sera sera...what will be will be. Our past teaches us things and let that be a lesson for us both. I love u whole heartedly.
Never ever cabar the works and plans of god coz the right one might juz knock on ur door unnoticingly. I'm happy and contented that finally a man stop me from doing things which i'm not suppose to. I don't care if i'm hurting from the withdrawal symptoms of smoking or drinking. It's worth it. Now i don't hold islam by name only but i'm a whole person entirely. Amin. I love the fact that i foound the peace within. I love you md husain bte rashid. Never till today did i ever regret making this decision. never.

The framemaker

2007-02-23T16:27:00.001-08:00

He frames every possible picture that his customer sents him. The nude pictures, the pictures of beautiful models and sometimes if his luck was good enough pictures of important people. Mr Framemaker always wondered...how special these people in those photos look when the picture was captured. Some stary eyed, some squinty and some well sober.

Mr Framemaker is weird. He loves his job. He does it well. He puts in 100% in whatever he does. He works till he gets tired. A little bit of history. Mr Framemaker is smart. He loves studying. He studied the different kinds of wood to which he dreams to make frames to perfection. On the contrary, love hurts him deep.His wife cheated him ran away with another men leaving him alone, clueless. In his worled, women have been leaving him in and out of his life. Some lied to him, some make excuses, some are totally unspeakable. Yet he still tried believing that love can change his life. Tried as he might, he stoped looking and searching for true love. He told himself, it's bullshit. After committing and sacrificing, they will leave. He is so certain about it and true enough in his world it always happens that way.
He pushes everyone away from him and wishes to be alone. He never did have a true bestfriend. If there were, all of them come and go. Some unwilling to share secrets with him, others favouritism. He knew it better. He had enough. Therefore, he made and oath to himself. Never let anyone get to close to you. Never let feelings come in between yourself and the other party. He have been hurt many times before and he wishes not for history to repeat itself.

Surprisingly, he is happy being alone. He knows what is good for him. Along the way he picked up new habits. He met many other people to be called only friends. No special someone. Remember true friends will always stick in no matter what happens. They will give and take. They won't ask questions like : Who called first? They will always share whatever happens to them to EVERYONE and include everyone in the conversation. He reminisce all those times and memories he had before. Its worth nothing. Mr Framemaker throws everything away and hearing himslef saying,: I wish you all well. Come what may. He knows its wrong to push every innocent life away from him but he is willing to risk it. No true friends. No loved one to be called his. No family that he can called his. He alter his course of life. His habits, his loved ones, his friends simply because....

Mr Framemaker is afraid of the future repeating.
Remember don't let anyone get to close to you.
Never let feelings come in between yourself and the other party.
Hurt is only the beginning. Learning from them is another chapter.
Breathe slow. Push away and wish them luck.
When i' m in trouble no one will rescue me. I only have myself to depend on.
My perogative. I say what I want and I will do what I wishes. No one will stop me.
With that Mr Framemaker smiled and continued to sand down the timber for his next artwork.

-----------The end---------------

Give wings to my triumph for the peace that I found within

2007-01-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

It feels so good to reunite within yourself and within your mind.

I feel glad that he is with me throught the whole process of that ****** taunting my peaceful life. * Smiles* Painstakingly after the sms war i gotta delete all of the unwanteds. Leceh. Waste money waste time. Siapa suruh kau layan org degil ar yan. Goood for you yan.

Let them learn. I am happy with you as it is. No one will know. Only us. I am tired of running from the thruth . Remember?Sometimes when you're too blind to see you feel at that point of time you are soo certain that he is the one in your life and there won't be anybody else. Well my dears, this world is cruel. Just when you think you're right in a split second god above can change your course of history. Therefore I always tell myself, What you decide today will shape your future. So I am smart enough to think what it would be in the future eg. if i were to get married to him will he chg...yadyadayada...and so finally one day I decide the answers No. Coz no matter how much you try. No matter how much songs and poetry I write to express my feelings of the current situation...the fact still remains....he won't change. And so I move on to a better person. Someone who knows what he's doing and this time I wanna be very2x certain of my feelings of us. I wanna noe him long enuff to sae yes that's the one. I don't want history to repeat itself. That is what i call a smart move. And here I am caring for ppl, explaning myself yaadadya...and guess what they are so proud with their decisions that they don't know what lies ahead of both of em. I taste the salt faster than them coz you know why IT'S MY PEROGATIVE. I am smartttt to use my mind and not my heart. No more. I won't be broken though I am the one that bleeds. My dear syg I hope you understand the situationa and I am glad you support me throughout this process. Thank you for being patient and loving me.

Tanpa memandang kulit, ugama atau bahasa I love you. Yes I do. We're a winner honey. I made it, I made myself happy and my decision is you. *smiles* Bersiaplah, perjuanganku adalah menjadi pemenang... and i owe it to you. Thank you.

Waste some time with you

2007-01-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

I hate this. No more constant messages. No more dinners to New York Pizza.
Right now i 'm listening to The Used- Blue & Yellow. A song about regrets. That's the right word for me regret that he's moving on basing on ASSUMPTION that this wont work out. I am my own worst enemy. So many million times I have been told that it's your life yan. Your choice. I SOO WANNA SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT.

I HATE YOU YAN.

*sigh* I am pushing everyone around me...from me. I don't give a damn if he didn't message me his new number. Heck you are a thing of my past. I am revengeful remember? Be merry be happy with your gf. You both deserve it. Seeing him at work working together with him makes me go crazy.

On a lighther note. I read this interesting book entitled " Diary of Ellen Rimbaurer" . Check this one out. It's a true life story of the aristocrats in the early " 1900s" . The mansion is supposingly to be haunted and feeds on the souls of humans up to till this day people who enter with ill itentions have dissapared within it's wall. I love this kind of theme. Very goth very witchcrafty. *smiles*.

I am going to IKEA again this time with my mum. I love going there just to check out the prices and the hotdogs...yummy. Food glorious food. I m making myself happy the thurth is the matter will always be at the back of my mind.

Let it burn. Let it burn . Let it burn.
Be bold to be free. Freedom.I want freedom.
I am happy in my own space. I want to choose really2x properly.
I want my superhero to be a real superhero not someone who backs out when there are problems.
At your own time, at your own pace.
For now I am contented with what I have even if i'm alone and single . Still going strong alive and kicking. Another random thought I'm playing paint ball with my team this 17th Feb. Tomorrow I'm going gym with my brother. Next week sentosa and cycling with my dad. My weekends are packed and I made it such. Anything just about anything to keep me working and going and distracting my mind away from reality.

Reality Bites.
Till then tata. My throat hurts at this very moment . I'm going to be sick. Quit smoking ar yan. *smiles* I ....survive .....this ordeal. Remember that. And i did it . I MADE myself happy and still doing so. I am fine. I won't be broken anymore . No more. I won't let it happen.

Lithium - Evanescence

2007-01-12T05:23:00.000-08:00

What is in a beauty by any other face that brings only lust not love?
What's in a religion if practice is not kept up to their heirs?*sigh*
I feel poetic tonight. Another random thought. I survive this ordeal. I
I am in love with a devoted christian who is involved in childcare ministry and I don't give a fuck about what the world cares. It's been a year I am in this war within myself. *sigh* The world will never understand .
I hate this stereotypical world. It's so very typical of malay community. Very.

Sometimes why I chose him instead of another malay men is because not that I have forgotten my roots... its coz of my past. I had enough. They chose horribly. They just don't know how to treat a women right. The only one i see that knows how to is my dad. My one and only daddy in this world. The most patient men i ever come across.

I am too late. I am my own worst enemy. He's gone for good. Too little too late. God knows along the line within this one year how many crushes I've made even the recent ones I've made at work. None is compared to this one. None. It feels so real. So almost like. Love. Like it or not I have to face reality. It's time ladies and gentlemen. The time has come for me to put down my fencing gears and admit defeat. This humble broken soul that waits for her superhero to come and save her. The real one mind you. Not any other superhero that comes and saves her and leaves along the way because challenges brews in and got afraid. This superhero is faithful. He knows what he's doing and I love him for the man that he is today and the man that he wants to become.

All of which kept in memories. I am afraid just as you are. I don't know what to believe in anymore. If you wish for a better dad then I shall wish for a faithful loving mother. We are in the same boat ....i'm too late. There's no turning back . You're gone.

*sigh* With that I would like to quote part of some lyrics from within temptation- " Youre sincerety really opened my eyes. You have proved yourself worthy. "Very. But i'm too late. I'm back to square one. Another ambigious relation. How wonderful yan. You always do that. Making yourself in misery for nothing.

sshhh..listen to the video. *smiles*. I am my own worst enemy. It's too late and i am just about to be certain. Freedom. I want freedom . Fighting for my freedom from singlehood.*sigh* Insyallah. The day will come when he will take my hands in his. Amin. For now. Reality seeps in my veins. He's gone. I am moving on. I have to. Be it he's my brother's friend or not. I have to do it. *sigh*

Superb 21st

2006-12-01T20:06:00.001-08:00

ROARRR...I LOVE MY LIFE.

hhha. I'm happpy like finally.
Love you hearthrob. Seeing you everyday makes me jump with joy.

Last year for my 20th bdae i was smashed with cake . This year the enginneers carry me and dump me in the pond. HHAHAH so much for beating men up & challenging em , punching em. Hey i can't help it . they are asking for it. Very sexist yeah. They keep and take revenge on my bdae. How cool is that. I will update the pics later. AFTER SMELLING LIKE A FISH. I WAS BROUGHT to Vivocity for their grand opening. There were fireworkds and all. hiazz too bad hearthorb is not there. I miss you esp during the weekends. Where are you my romeo? enjoy the IT fair today aights?HAVE fun with amir?

for now. here are some of the pics that they gave me, my firmware team made like signatures of everyone . LIKE ROCK ON DUDUES. hahhaha okok i love you ppl ar. No men No bf oso I can live. WHOOOOHOOO... happy ar. Honestly joke aside, I have finally found the peace thats within. I dun need some bf to make me happy. I need my space my family and my friends & hearthrob only the one above knoes the ans. BUt then again thank you for knowing and understanding. When the time comes we will know when to go. I want to be totally ready for you. Really. I caN'T wait for that day. You showed me what loyalty does. It's not abt spending your weekend with each other or calling to hear their voice on the phone every night or fightihning to get closer. It's about faithfulness and honesty . You showed me eventually what you can do. Yes. I have offically fallen for you. *smiles* Amin. May it last long. Till then here are the pics for my bdae card. I will update somemore later. GEREK.

checklist for dec weekend
3rd dec - total metalcore gashaus gig(chekced)
9/10dec - cycling &camping (Pulau Ubin)
16/17dec - Plan for Genting trip in Feb lepak ira's house & dinner GNO at SAKURA
23/24dec- PLAY PAINTBALL whooohoo-> i can't wait for this one. GO JB and buy ciggies

It's amazing. Some Men are worthless. My girls are diamonds.

2006-11-17T00:04:00.000-08:00

I love this blissful life of mine. There's more to life than just your bf. That's what i learnt in this few years of adolescents. Year 2006 is leaving. Well my new year's resolution. To eliminate all men who thinks that women can't do a man's job careeristically. We can. It's just that we're slow and we talk alot fucker. HAHHAHA aniways. Been enjoying alot. Went out to makan with 2 of my best mates. Lepak with new friends like rock, steven and Haikal. Found sth worth giving a thought over at work. Seeing him brings me joy but then again they are all illusions.

Was reading one of my best friends journal. She touched me alot... she wrote this. My dear if you're a dude, i would kiss you and make u mine..hahaa. I love you girls honestly. Can't live without you both.

"heh updated on my way to work but i guess gprs failed me.
taught me not to depend so much on technology and not to expect so much from it.

there's like some great big happenings today.
sometimes, i don't even know where i get the motivation to carry on staying alive.

most of the times in our lives, we see things happening, and we don't understand the logic in it. not until it happens to someone else (that's when you start to put yourself in that person's shoes and think about the situation that you've been in before this).

you will not realise the meaning behind what has happened until someone point it out to you, or when the answer choose to reveal itself in the middle of a nowhere.
most of the time, that's what i feel.

things happen for a reason, and we do not know what the reason is.
then the same thing happened to someone else.
and then we think about our past situation, and start to emphatize that person going through it, saying how you understand what it feels like or what was going through your mind at that time or voicing out what you was going through your head at the time of the incident.

most of the time, we can't see the answer when we're searching for it.
it comes when you're ready to face and accept the reality and truth of the situation.

for some, it's an easy thing to get by, especially when you take life as it is.
for most, it's a chore because of the different stages of emotions you have to go through and you have to adjust yourself mentally to fit in the scenario.

no doubt it's easy to give out advice when it's not you going through it because you're giving the advice out of what you see in your logical mind. you tell yourself "this is what i will do when it happens to me, if it ever happens".

many a times, when it finally hit you right smack in the face, you'll find yourself eating back your words and then you'll start to think "so this is what it actually feels like. how come i can't get myself out of it?"

not everything in life is easy. some people may have all the luck in the world and will never go through shit in their life. some people may experience shit to last them 3 lifetimes. some will be half in, half out.

my point here is - you should always look at the bigger picture. this is why they say that life is full of surprises. who knows what the hell you see when you look at the big picture.

when the answer's revealed, that's when you'll realise.
until then, just keep an open mind.
life hides nothing.
you just have to wait.

happy weekend everyone! "

With that i would like to sign off todays' entry with anote to whomever it may concern. Learn. Be merry be happy. Don't think. Words no actions is pointless. Biar ar korang bahagia dgn matair masing2x. I am happy in my own world and i wish to stay that way. Jealous . Checklist no. Kesian . Checklist no. Fun. Checklist yes. HHAHAHHAHAHA. Alah takan lari ke maner ar ridyadi eh? hehhehehe. Tata. Till then.
ENJOY ur weekend everybody. Jangan lupa rest. Leave some time for urself. It's not all about ur gf/bf. You might treasure that inch of time spared one day. Before I head off for bed. RAYA PICS. YEAH BABY. And a picture of PENYU..hembusing.

Raya pics NIte2x

I want to meditate

2006-10-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever that I have not been writing to my hearts content. I've been hiding, running and going back to square one for the past coming to 8 mths. No doubt that I was lost. I tried to move on. Tried to do everything that a woman who wishes to forget her painful memories and do anything to erase it off. But to no avail. I pray to god. I returned back to him. Hanya dia sahajalah yang memahami isi hatiku.
It's not easy. Definately not. I am trying HARD to pick off whatever is remaining and sail off nobely. Sacrificing sth that you feel is right is worth it. Tuhan lebih menyangiku. My sacrifice is well worth it. Walaupun macam kacaku telan. Reality tetap reality.

This year's raya agak special. I am on a war with myself again. Yes. All over again.
Someone told me. " I rather not move then to live without you". Hati aku kebal. Not again. Not anymore. This is for you. If I were to write it a 1000 different words it won't end. Every single day i pray in the future he won't be like those that I have met. I really don't want history to repeat itself. Maafkan aku rid. Not again. This time i gotta choose REALLY2X REALLY properly. I can't afford to get hurt anymore. I just can't. I have my family obligations to think about. My career/studies. My mother. Rid i'm the eldest rid. Sebisa mungkin tak akan pernah...Sayangku akan hilang. I don't want to get cheated anymore. It's not worth the pain rid. I know I must try tapi mencuba bermakna risk rid. Saya engak bisa lagi buat pergorbanan utuk cinta .Someone before has taken all of my effort and I have no idea wad to do next. I use to know how to sacrifice and give love and surprise my bfs but I don't do that to you and you know y. Someone before has taken all of my effort and I just can't afford to repeat it all over again. Maafkan saya rid. I'm a complicated lady with a complicated life. I know everyone needs a patner but not now rid..i want my family more than kenikmatan diri sendiri. I am fighting this war alone and in alone shall I win this war with my family. Aku AKAN INGAT sampai mati. No one is here for me now to ask me how am I doing except you and I am grateful enough for that. I will win this war alone and when I do. I won't look back at my past. I want to forget every thing about us. Every single drop of memory. I burn the diary and throw the ashes away similarly to that time will tell EVERYTHING. I know i will win this war within myself. Amin.

YAN DEGIL hehehe...

2006-10-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, enjoy this vid. Yan tetap dengan video..
I love this song.Riyadi...maafkan saya rid...i never knew what i had before.
Terjadinya begini...makes me think and love you more. Kenapa kau degil yan?? KENAPPPAAAA????
How patient you are...my god.He's an ass youre right? Thnk you syg....
omg....no words can describe how shocked i am when you accepted that.

sometimes when i see you behave, i see myself Hiazz...i understand what sacrifice is rid...trust me. Terjadinya pekara gini, saya lagi appreaciative sama kamu and antara kita dua aje deh.....

My strength My soul. Thank you

2006-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

No words could describe how gratitude I felt when you dedicate this for me. So sweetkan *crying* I love him so much sey.....
Trust me with your skill and talent you'll go far. I will support you all the way trust me... Honestly. I just want you to know that I am proud of you sayang absolutely. I'm sorry darling....I wish I could quit my work for you but that's not reality isn't it? Through rain or shine, we'll be together always....if we can hold on together. Just one more kiss...bila kapan lo mau lansung ke sini lagi? I miss you

Thank you

2006-09-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel like writing about us. I miss you my dear, so greatly. It got so bad that I cry myself to sleep yst. Right at this moment I'm hearing our song...
Remember our hiding place??? I still keep that silly seashell. I know.*sobz* I'm waiting my love. I folded every and each one of our letters in that biscuit box we ate. I will keep my promise sayang. I will always will. When I say I do, I do yeah. I am soo full of gratitude that no words could explain how thankful I am to you. If only you could see what I went through before I met you. With that I would like to dedicate today's entry for my lovely bintang2x malam. Ingat ni satu syg...our love will withstand any OBSTACLES in this world if we hold on to each other. Ya allah, I pray to you please be true. I don't wish history to repeat itself.

Other than that watch this. hHAHAHHAA I pray to god you die in misery. I don't wanna hear news or be nice or give my 100% it just aint worth it. Now I know who I am. Coz the girl that you want....she's everything that I'm not. Be happy me merry. Let my love and my bintang2x malam protect me.I love you. WAD AN ASS....loser...hahhahaa evil sia. Pathethic hair. Pathethic face. Pathethic clothes. My bintang malam IS WAY MUCH BETTER. I love my life now and i'm proud to have wad i have. Thankyou.

NATAS WEEK

2006-09-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

Tired lar babe.
First and formost, I am busy like a bumble bee preparing for NATAS. Gotta think about my U application fees, my essays...ooh boy time management isn't easy as I thought it would be.

I've been reading this book called hawksmoor.. Its damn dark. HHhahaha go check it out while youre' free nothing to do during the weekends...after going out with your respected mates lepas book out tak der kerja jangan keluar- waste time , go rest or just simply bosan and bingit that they are sooo damn demanding....look up for this book and read. Don't waste your time. Singlehood isn't as bad as it is you noe. You die from it don't worry. You just gotta learn how to make full use of it. ANYWAY.... this book's about Churches in the 1714 century. And they use these 6 churches that they bulid as a map to a symbol of their dark religion coz at that time they have plague and it's like a unatural dieasese to get one. Those whom get it will be burned. Apparently this disease will cause their bodies to be swollen like a sting from a bee. Cool shit riiiight? I noe i'm like soooo damn addictive to it like my ciggie habits...i read it in the train. I read it in the toilet...hahhahaha and anywhere you could ever think of.

Right at this moment I just came back from work. I stayed back till 9pm yst to finish up that pile of brouchers. I gotta study for which paths to take. Sat ni ader SIM nyer open house i'm going after work. My application to SMU is sumbitted havent pay the fees yet and admist all these hussle and bussle I MISS HIM.

I miss him...baru sebut nama...dah msg orang. God I love him. If only he understands my hearts content. For now I won't say anithg at all. I'll keep my mouth shut. He's coming back this weekend I can't wait. I send him over our paper collage of our pictures. He wrote back....this

Yan. You're adorable. Nothing in this world could ever the expressed by youre actions. The most faithful girl I met ever in my life. Yan. I've been praying for us yan. Sometimes when I didn't msg you back online coz most of the time lepas solat magrhib udah sore...baca yassin yan.... Kepornakan gue selalu nya solat dengan imam.So i have to do it together with em ----- This friday I'm going for formula One racing at SEPANG. Wish me luck yan. I hope my fav team wins.Please let it win coz I actually bet much of my pay on them.

tell me how can i not love this dude? He's like a crossbred of an angel/devil. Sooooooooooooo me!!!! i LOIKE. Satu kepastian yang kutunggu...till then biarkan ku tanya bintang2x tentang hatikita. Satu masa kelak u'll be mine and me your's. All in his time....all his time . Amin.
Ps: Hapiness is here ....thank you. I am what i am . I know that now.

For now i'm addicted to this song... hhaha i like the part where she says.." she can lick your boots do it alll....and no wonder you're jaded....hahhaha familiar ehz...i noe" As far as i'im concern i'm not missing out anything in life now. There's nth for me to be jealous of or rather be afraid or sad or any negative feelings coz I get sth more better than i get before...hahahhahaha HAIL TO WOMENPOWER and of course bintang2x malam.....*smiles*

Rose of Sharyn

2006-08-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

Good morning!!!! I just came back from my genting trip 16-18aug. I'll update the pictures and videos later. Courtesy of Seri from Misa Travel. Sadly I don't have her email add she has mine. So all I can do is wait for the pictures and videos to be up.

Lama ku menghilangkan diri...like one more time wad's new right? but yeah that should be the way isn't it? On a lighter note. I gain loads of funess and experience. I met loads of new people from many woks of life and NOW that I am where I am now I cry in joy looking at how beautiful the clouds and the mountains were and I feel sinful for hating god. I guess apart of me still believe in angels and devils. It still feels empty and calling out for the old izyan. But I know it's beyond anybody's help. I feel that I was damn dumb to wait for an impossible. Abg Wan changed for the worse and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for this one. We will see how far the three elements of life changes a person. Time will tell. For now go with the flow lar. No choice what...correct?
*smirks*

I do feel sinful for smoking and drinking like a chimney and doing the wrong things, but i guess it's fun. I am going to find a man who will stop me from all this nonsense. I am in quest for him. CINTA Q hahhahahhaha quest for love to find a man who stops me from doing my shit. Hopefully you read this ya?? *smiles*

Now i'm at work. SOOOO DAMN LETHARGIC. Any other adjectives to describe how I'm feeling now? SHOOOT it. Bosan ar...SMOKING TIME...WINSTON RED AND VICEROY MENTHOL YUMMYYY......

till then MY DEAR.... *smiles* I won't get sick and tired of smsing you serius. Let love lead our way....thinking of the possiblitiles makes me jump with joy. Come what may my dear till then.......i'm hanging on to this as far as I can take. Believe it or not I ....admist the coldness and hardcore scarsm and jokes...I do. When the time is right we'll know ya? I don't mind lingering ard for many2x yrs. That's what makes it special. Fools rush in remember?? No more honey...

This week you got me worried sick over you whether is your leg alright or any part of your body for that matter. You seem to break into pieces whenever your back over the weekend. *sighs* Right at this moment im singing Mariah Carey " One sweet day"
I guess happiness is here... You're my shelter against the storm. Whhehehehee. I knew i should have taken leave and visit you but i guess your mum will mind right so yeah.... One sweet day my love...one sweet day . I do believe that true love exists. From enemies to friends to lovers. Amazing.....god i'm sorry.Thank you

Note to Self ...turnover I'M GONE

2006-07-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

I've heard it a million times. I'll be there. Bullshit. I reject all of you for a reason. MY SINGLEHOOD babey...my singlehood and i'm fucking proud of it. I am not a dumb blonde thank you. Wanna see one I show you one. I fucking hell show you one dumb blonde. All you men deserve is my toture. hahhahahahhahahah I am a banshee im not suppose to feel anithg remember?

Like i said as days go by i am supressing my hate love anger slash angst feelings for men even deeper. or so god may help me please. YEAH RIGHT . Who was there for me when I vomitted due to food poisioning? MY BROTHER IFRAN. I called your name and even resorted to tell you that I needed you by my side just for a single moment to hear that I am in pain...and what was your response. APE KAU NAK. ANITHG IMPORTANT THAT YOU WANNNA TELL ME. my dear i'm not a beggar. THAT's it. Yan you're such a fool. WAKE UP. I wanna cry out so loud and tell everyone I give up. I want to feel the feeling to be loved once again. To give your all and loving someone endlessly. Sadly, I have to give up all that dream of having children all of it. All. Nothing can be compared in this world to you. I shut myself away from men for a reason. Please let him see the sign god. PLease I beg you.

My family.... my daddy bought me woodspepper mint syrup when i was coughing out loud on the phone and all you can do is ask eh you ok ornot. MY DADDY SCARIFICED his sleep at 2am to give me that cough syrup when i was sick . This two incident is really an eye opener. No one messes with my family. I know who loves me the most now. Not you fucking claimers to love but my family my friends my colleagues. I have yet to fight for my singlehood till i am tired of it. For now the two incidents are a stepping stone for a lesson to be remembered for all time. No one messes with my family affairs. You're not worth to be sacrificed for. I am writing this down coz i wanna release out my hatred for the world to see.
..... to think that i was such a fool time and time again..WAKKKEE EU PPPPPP .

Right at this moment my msn is blinking lk shit . I ignore....till then let's do the amithba chant.....**********ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm************** . It's bastardish to lead and chuck men when they shoik sendiri. who cares? Good who ask you men to hurt yan? Physco bagus.....baru tau?

YOU DESERVE TO DIEE..... strong statement huh? good I want that to be known. I have yet to meet someone who can help me change this ringing statement in my head....soo long goodbye.

LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR

Beyond The Horizon

2006-07-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

Help is of no use. I rather die in silence. I am beyond redemption. Beyond anyone's help. This is no emoshit. It's reality. I am a walking talking murderer AND a timebomb. I walk away from all the troubles. Having a relationship with a man SMELLS trouble from far. I do admit that sometimes i'm sick of this lifestyle. I want to know what I'm lag off till I got dumped. I wanna know what I don't have that those dumb blondes have. I wanna compare why. I need answers. I feel shit for feeling things that I should not feel. What i'm doing now is supressing my anger my love hate feelings for men and in general love.

I wanna write down all this shit for the world to see and know that I have had enuff. Enough off trouble . I love you you hurt me bad. I use that as a lesson and a stepping stone to use whatever I have as a weapon. I know its wrong . i LOVE to chat with him but it hurts me so bad . It gives me the excitement to know that we have so much in common. I can like argue with him about topics like jap rock , deathmetal, metalcore, emocore , exchange mp3's , exchange graphics...I love his artwork. I can like complain to him about work but i noe it's gonna be temporary. He will leave me one day. That's why i'm not comitting. I run away from reality. I know it's bastardish but I have to do what i have to do. My past teaches ME A DAMN GOOD LESSON.

Anything goes. Please help me. I love him god. I love him. I feel what i'm not suppose to feel. Let it go please let it go I wanna be free.....I wanna fly forever never to return. Let it be true. Let it be. Let love lead the way. I'm sorry.

In loving memory

So.. Be music, night,
That your sleep may go
Now you're not there...yet
You're ghost still burns in the air
Time lay us above the waves
But how come this love still takes us away?

With this song
I'll say my goodbyes
I whisper "thank you for what you’ve done to my life"

I'll fly away
Singing it with love
Hoping that you will always be at the stars above

Now don't try to understand what you die for
It's not yours to take...
We still could have given so much more
Precious you’re something I could never be
Still there watching over me

In loving memory
Of us, time and fate
O be a world and a throne, God,
That his living may find its weather
And this sacrifice of our love to ancient bells in your fate books
Shall lead him to happiness beyond horizons of a wife to children
And the stars will tilt their quiet faces
Into the mirror of his angels heart
Please be true.
With this broken pieced, signing off ...I love you.

GUESS WHO'S BACK

2006-06-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

Heeehee...i'm back!!! after such a llooooong time i hide away from everyone. I'm finally on the road altogether. I've been fine. Thank you for your endless calls and sms kawan2x. Mane yg msn lain mane yg jumpa tengah jalan lain. I had fun during graduation. It was fantastic. I'll update the pics later. Kecoh nak mampus but I love it ler.

Work has been well sucky as per normal. I just came back from superstar virgo malACCA-port kelang-phuket alone...not too mention spooky calls from my cabin. Enough philipino maids to oggle. ahhahah n dudes too...bud i dun feel for dat animore ler..sorrie..

So yeah actually part of me sometimes want my old life back , the greatest gift on earth is to love and to be loved in return. But I guess i have to give up that dream now..the children part...everything that I alwaes desire...woman of dark desires..no more honey no more...how i wish you could see what i've become...you'll know...you'll know...why. It's far from my madening crowd...hahaha..get it? ANYWAYS...DRY JOKE YAN;

I like the fact that every few months i'm going away alone to nowhere. I don't need to show to the whole world how fantastic it is....those who met me along the way shocked. BUT i know it's for a good cause. I know some disagrees but I have to face the fact. Sometimes i do wish I have my old life back. The sweet naive bubbly heck care person who is willing to sacrifice anithg NOT TO MENTION EASILY GET CHEATED yan just to satisfy and make him happy for wAD? for a man.

GONE.... were the days where i cry tears of blood for ppl whom i love dearly only to know that they don't. I'm sorry for those whom i dissapointed. ITS MY PEROGATIVE...PIII MAMPUS. nak gossip gossip ar...dapat dosa tak kisah..hahhahahahha none of my fucking business...aku dah tak kisah lar pasal realtionshit ni semua yang aku tau .....

GONE. it's just me myself and I. ader FAHAM??? flirt arr gi ar...flirt wif me all you want..bagus jangan harap aku nak retaliate..SOMBONG..GOOD KEEP IT THAT WAY...AS FAR AS I'M CONCERN ITS MEEEEEEE ONLY ME. NO YOU. NO MEN CAN DOMINATE MY STATE OF MIND. CRUSHES. GO N DIE. THEY WILL LIKE ME FOR NOW NOT LATER COZ EVENTUALLY THEY WILL COMPLAIN...anithg can happen love can turn to hate..SOMEHOW I GUESS....

I don't wanna live like my dad.Living in regrets. I don't wanna live like my mother...having to be afraid of her dark secrets and not be faithful to only one. I hate you Ibu. I hate your guts. I proved you sooo many times and I'm going to continue to do just that....yet all these is not an eye opener to you. I pray you die in agony and pain. I'm sorry i am that evil. I hate you for doing that to ayah and us. You think you're pretty but you're just like all those dumb blondes. This world is enuff of that. Women of this era don't have girl power. Where did all those womenhood gone to? Why must you fall or chg JUST TO SATISFY OR MEET THE DEMANDS OF A MAN...kalau lelaki tu syg kau it's a plus point if not? If he goes ard bitching with other girls claiming they are their friends ooor better still possesiveness i can't stand it...I don't wanna live my live with fear...No more. I wanna be free like a bird..flying high soaring watching others ruin or be happy with their lives while I will go away every few months for a reason. Please understand. I have nothing more here. I work for myself and my savings that's about all. I do miss the old izyan. The sweet innocent izyan during schooldays. I'm sorry irfan izzati isham. This is a war kak have to go through my own. I'm sorry if you ppl have to be sacrified for my own but kak have to. I am flawed i'm soo full of mistakes. I'm a jinx . I want to stay dat way and fly high. I'm sorry. Irfan plz take care of the family while i'm gone every now and then. I know you can do it. PLz? I'm going to do some soul searching. This war I have to fight alone. PLease understand. Thank you. I love you soo much serius. Those men can wreck a living hell of my emotions but never you. I swear. I still remember when he left me you were there for me. Bringing me out every now and then to forget my hurt. I appreciate the gesture. Thank you irfan . Kak loves you more than anithg else....remember when i sae if you go NS i will cry tears of blood ...I mean it.. I need you to understand me in this just onen last time. Bulan 11 get ready ya? Tioman time...tell iskandar and YUS. iF NOT enuff I'll pay for them.

On a ligther note. Here are the pictures of my graduation. Enjoy...I gotta run to unpack my luggage....my Ibu dah bising. Chiaoz....

Scarlett Drifter

2006-05-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Awaken from the dead
The songs of banshee shrieking
Every octave, every second higher
An illusion she says of a heart to love she yearns so.
The taste of her victim's blood fresh crimson red.
This is her dying in you're arms.
She cuts me out. She sets me free.

For the moment, her instincts ensnaring the truth
Yes she drifts her frozen heart through time
She wails her pain in the silence of the night
In veracity silver owl hoots

She clings like her dear life
A place of importance
In the past she reminisce
Memories now stale aside
Arguments hurt arise

She hates him so
She curse
Children bleed burdening parent's mistake
Children cry out
To mothers that never existed
Awareness of surroundings
She held on a bridge of faith and fate leading nowhere
Ending nowhere

She stops she thinks
It's not a curse
It's a blessing
It's not a disease
It's the cure
She whispers "Thank you"
I'm well...alas

The cure...to
The point of nowhere
Is strength to the soul?
The past teaches a man how to hold
For her dear life she once led
All she has is hope
Dear Scarlett drifter the desire for the ray of sun
Is no more than a death note

*I wrote this with rahman on the bus. Another one to add to my collection. My hobby's back..whoohooo..the last one i wrote was entitled, " you love me now" .....which i gve the master copy argh wad an ass...presently....scarlett drifter if only I can publish my file. *sighs* biarlah ku bertanya pada bintang2x tentang hati kita. like i promised i'm back wif pics. I DYE MY SHOE AGAIN n i promised to dye it for iz also heeehee...
here it goes...

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

done theres more...ler....hehehee2x
chioz...

Why ar?

2006-05-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Ola...gue sore2x udah bangun dong. Ni i want to share a story online.
I was talking to one nenek passenger of mine. She was telling her story ar of how her adik beradiks alwaes critize her n accuse her of being naive and dumb n stupid to give money/love/care/concern to her kids. So yeah. I listened well now. I use my instincts n I bought my mummy sth outta force. She is my mum aniwaes though she screw up mani times heck wif it that's anthr chapter. So yeah actually dalam dunia
ni banyak rewel manusia. It doesn't matter what matters most is how you control the situation. I learn not to lose my mind easily. Tu pun ader org tolong. When you love your family or someone you will give your 100% for sure. Like that nenek passenger of mine. Kesian jugak dengar cerita dier bud I noe it makes her stronger and I can see that she loves her grandaugther very much. Her kids are trying to make a living wreck outta
her. But I noe it's just her character to be soft and loving though sometimes she admits that she felt hurt for giving too much face to her sons. I feel her so. Really makes me think abt my life and wad malicious gossips making a person do things to themselves. I understand it better now. 4 words of merci. Really. She told me memories are lessons in life. LEARN. Don't repeat it. If you are tempted to repeat it ingat what you went tru...tempation is inevitable. Maner2x der again is how we handle the situation. 10q nenek. Hiazzz...she makes somuch sense. I feel comfortable wif her. She says i'm a condtridicting lady. Buat dosa tapi buat
pahala...true2x. I agree. *smiles*

Ya udah ngrombrol aje....tanggal 2minngu lepas gue send package direct 2 denpasar. It's the small lil things dat counts. It's all abt sacrifices. What I'm feeling now is beyond words. For once is not love. Really. It's gratitude...thankfulness..for going to mad's gig wif me...no kisses no hugs no fakings of I love's yous.
Just pure friendship. I'm glad. I'm doing it all by myself. Belajar yan belajar....*sounds familiar*?

Aku byk menghilangkan diri. Isnt it good? Hybernation mode is progress. My heart is dead n so are you. I mean it. For now fate wins over faith....

From the dead..awaken.. Blissful life yeahhh!!!! \m/

2006-05-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ola...selamat pagi. *smiles* hahaha. Dah start merepek. Alrighty first of all lets do an event recap on my wonderfulicious long weekend. ( Makin hari makin tak lekat pat rumah ). Thur went out with my collegues. They all ajak lepak pat marine parade. Makan soup tulang hmmmmm....don't remind me on that. Jilat jari kau...go ktv which i tink it's waste of money sing abit only...tak kuasa coz i'm damn shag... Upnext Friday...ni yang gerek went out with irfan zul farhan and mad...with their respective gf's and dudettes to SAHARA....hahahhaha yeap2x. We ended up puffing our lungs out and screaming making afool outta of urselves. The girl was damn hot in red. As in really hot...sweet ar...mad and fan was oggling at her and fairuz tooo hahahhaa kelakar siak teringat dorang joget...hahhaa... Mampus ar satu2x dah pasrah dgn hidup hahahhaa....after work immediately met them and head down to makan and followed them go for another sheeshaing and i well hard to believe it but i drank my guts out yeap2x.....went back at 3 kena screwed. FUCK IT. It wasn't that bad coz irfan is with me. I tink i've got it all over him but yeah... THEY'VE GOT NTH TO SAY. I'M 21. It's a nice age to do some changes to your life. Sat...went to work as per normal...sleepy gila babi nyer but it's worth it coz it ends at 3pm...after that went back home change and drag my whole family to ecp food court for me and my dad to belanja satay and murtabak....hahahha *makan lagi* . We had a night picnic and guess what MY MUM FOLLOWED...YAY! I know she's turning around for good. Amin. If this keeps up I plan to take my family to phuket ...all paid expense by me. *smiles* Next month I hope to drag my family to Nana Thai or Sakura for another meal ...perhaps an outing to Tampines Swimming Complex. hheee Nak kepo tengok lagi ar...sekali dah gi tak cukup ehz? hahaha...I love the mushroom waterfall and the slides but too small for me ...yeap2x...Sunday..ni lagi gerek...since's it's syidah's bdae I had to buy her gifts which was sooooooo last minute but i managed to wrap it all up....woke up at 11 coz I was dead beat already..But i love it. Beg irfan to tag along hheee...and in the end he did. All thanx to my superduper chocolates. He buy that sia..haha aniwaes went down to St81 to make an appointment with my dentist ....u noe wad it's full house can you believe it? on a sunday... Hiazz so I was pushed down to 13th May. Next we did some shopping, bought my earphones and MY ATREYU CD IS SCRATCHED...DAMN EX SIA...58 FOR 2...hiazzz yan tetap ganas...we ate our lunch coz I know there won't be enough time to eat there. We met hazwan at 2 sharp with his gf , picked us up wif his car near the mosque...potek hazwan. BUT IT'S OK. IT'S NORMAL FOR YOU YA? GEDENG.
Waited for syidah to come coz she went to take her cake at toa payoh...stayed for awhile i nearly got pissed..but i composed myself. Fast game kul 5 chiao...Ni gerek...went for the gig met farhan at city halll stayed for awhile kul 7 lebih chiao....*the interesting part* We head down to swee lee...and guess what? Me and ifran bought Epiphone special sg model electric guitar all thanx to abg idris hu's working there. AND ITS BLLLLLLLACKKKKKK SOLID SHINING BLACKKKK....It just so happen that I know him and we got a discount of like wad 180? I love this bro...hope to do more biz with him. Fucking hell worth it sia. I made irfan's day and so do I coz I did it all by myself. No men was involved. FINALLY. hahahhaha . Excited siak...later I update the picture I took of my beloved GUITAR. hahahaa 10nx abg idris. I hope to visit you more often. Head down to bras basar complex to help my dad do the tag. Sibuk aje org tua ni nasib baik irfan ader kalau tidak i'm damn clueless abt his badge....So yeah by the time we head home it's 10

Penat siak. Then today I'm going out with rahman. Ni hari chill sikit ar. Don't really know where we're heading hopefully somewhere near... Tak intensif...at the end of it all. I'm damn tired. BUt i love it. We decided to make it a point to meet every fri. Provided irfan doesn't have his assignments to finish up or any datelines... FABBBBBUUUUULLLLOUSSS....here i come. Confirm every sat i'm gonna be a zombie but who cares. Kalau nak...ok I am up for it... Next mth...yes2x....Ok...let's go..*smiles*

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for bullet for my valentine chords I've been trying to play it since well yst night *hhee* practice makes perfect...it's worth it yeah2x!!!! i've got so mani pics to update malas ar later arh...one whole entry dedicated only to pics...*smileS* oohh yeahh forgotten abt my taggies coz i've been having so much fun...popular blog aku...*smiles* heehhe adios amigos yan udah berampus...

Joy to the world

2006-04-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yay! How come I never update? Coz I've been working. Oh boy. Where do I start? First of all I have a stalker. YEAH IRA I HAVE A STALKER AT WORK. *smiles* eeee never in my next life NEVER! ahhaha. But then again if not for this thing I wldn't see ppl's true colours. Now do I know. Takpe ingat2x.....I'll keep buat rojak. When the time comes...*booomb** I'm a walking talking time bomb. I can't wait. I really2x can't wait. *grins* Anything can happen. I've resumbitted my application form for the 2nd time since they've got no reply. Redone my essays...still no reply stress arh...I wanna LEAVE THIS COUNTRY . You hear me? LEAVE.

I hope my daddy understands me if dia tak understand he have to. Alah only for two years. I'll be back friends. But I'm gonna miss Irfan. my family and my friends and adam and abg wan. I wonder where do they all go....banyak yang dah menyelesap. Syidah's B'dae is this sun. Sat I'm going for a gig with farhan and irfan....in the evening I'm gonna spend my family at sakura. My pay this month is dammmmn $$$$$...hahahha I wanna be a rich mamasan...with no men to domain me. How cool is that? I've got so much to achieve...so much aspirations and dreams to build....a family...a loving husband WHO LOVES ME MORE. *smiles* For now my future looks bright. For now. Anything can happen. I've just got an offer. Still thinking about it. Sedih ar...to pick up and leave. I'm sacrificing everything I have here for work. I don't know myself anymore. I hope it's worth it. Please say it is. PLease say it's the right thing to do.

Work is sooo tiresome. I have a bad feeling about issueing of tickets tomorrow. Irfan says i've chg. Have I? Prolly you're right bro. I am my own worse enemy. A rich mamasan...who has a heart of stone.

With that I would like to end today's entry and look forward to reject more men in the future. Be it my dream dude look alike with piercings. *sighs* My sacrifice. My sacrifice.

I hate lawyers

2006-04-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

I lose my fucking mind. I got scolded because I went biserk due to wad A MAN? Whom what? HURT ME? I lost 50 bucks and I got scolded damn bad...damn2x bad. Work is work I know now. I told myself if he loves her soo much and willing to let me go? Then I LOVE MY WORK I wouldn't let it get ruined or rather get blamed for. Jangan pasal satu lelaki my whole entire career or life is ruined. I woke up immediately yst. IMMMEDIATELY. I won't say anything. At all. Open up your eagle eyes yan...c'mon you can do it.

I know I can. Though the signs are getting closer I'll shut up. I won't say or breathe a word as per normal. What's new? He's coming for me I know it. I saw it everyday but I'll shut up. NOOO MORE. I want a smart ass who's like really hot. Not only that I want someone who has their lips pierced and nice emo hair with fringes on their sides and layers ahhahhaa....berangan jap PLUS2X I want someone who looks goth with eyeliners and black nail polish ..and nice height WITH BUILD. I want him with muscles not too big not tooo small. Just nice. I can imagine his look in my head. But then again it's all in my head. Like real oni I can get a guy who's dat hot. I love cetak2x yang bergini sewaktu dgn nyer...*smiles* No comments ah. I'm geared up for work every single morning now. hheeeheehe not only coz it brgs me away from my reality but it springs up new hope. New sweet beginnings of another chapter..another story...another love. For now I shall keep quiet like alwaes and say nothing at ALL.

Today I am dammmn irritated with a group of pax that I had this afterNOOON. The pax wants Majestic Grand or Novtel Siam Square and afew more other options I can't remember. This ppl are the death of me. WHY ARE LAWYERS SOOO FUCKING DEMANDING? Tleisure emailed me back and quoted that only Amari Watergate is available...BUTT NOOOO they wanna make my life a living hell. AS IF SOMEONE ELSE IS NOT MAKING MY LIFE BAD AS IT IS...I get pax who are lk dis. Then again, dah nasib. My dream dude with eyeliners will save me. *smiles* So the outcome is they want Majestic Grand. I hate it. TAK DER MEANS TAK DER AR BODOH...... SO FUCKING PERISITENT. My goodness, when i get this job I lose everything that I have. I lose superhero armin. I lose afew of my friends...our bonds are not as close as before. I lose my family bondness...I loose like 80% of it. But slowly it's regaining back...SOME only ya? Some. The bottom line is I hate lawyers. They are coming tomorrow to make payment. I hate it. I tink I'm going to refer this case to my senior. I don't care. I just hate the way she talks to me. STUPID FUCKING LAWYERS. Think I'm your what? Slave ar? Pikir org tak berbelajaran ehz use bombastic words at me. You think org kerja tu budak semua N level ke aper? OIT SALAH ORG AR! BIIITCH. I understand or rather I USE THE SAME ENG AS YOU alright? I hate this cheryl sooo much ooh yeah that's her name. I feel like killing her tomorrow if she comes down to make payment for her tix 2morrow.

ONE FUCKING HELL OF PAX.

The end of it. I've learnt. There's more to life than just my breakups or men who screw up my life. I learnt that in times lk this a few close frens of mine are there for me before I go loose my mind again like I did with abg wan. My job is taking a toll on me. But guess what? I love it. It gives me the urge to make ppl happy. I won't let anything get in my way. Speaking of which I've submitted the application form to Edingburgh. Local U no reply .Please2x make this happen. I wanna leave for good and start anew. I want to break free . I wanna make loads of money but alwaes keeping in mind having my dream dude with eyeliners by my side. *SMILES* He'll understand. He'll listen. He's my antitode to a gundu like me. He will be my saviour.

Ex's and Oh's

2006-04-12T22:10:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Warmness on the soul
For now...here's somthing I wrote while I was on the way to work on the bus.

I stare
Looking back I'm glad
I'm glad
I gaze upon the furnace of my heart
I'm satisfied - I've known
I'm satisfied

No tears
No drama
No fighting's
No sleeping my pain tonight
No more...No more
No more late night wanting and waiting
I'm cured ...I'm cured

With poise and rationality
I stand my ground
Above the rest
Loneliness is survival
We'll always be together but it's not going to be easy
In veracity
Bullshit
Bullshit....

What I digress
What I reminisce
What I beg and held on for
What I hurt it's empty
Bolt from the blue
It's empty....

I don't have to ask
I don't have to
Temptation is foreseeable
What more to say?
What more to say?

Amazing how love can turn around
More amazing if love brings such promising joy
A barren bus top is a liar
Such promising joy nothing to be found
I'm a sinner to my faithful past
Be repentant for parting....
Yes I do...Yes I do

For the moment, our song plays
"Four roses all dried and dead
Bring back sweet old memories not one to be erased
I desire for time to freeze.
I desire the closeness that we use to be
There's no more than time that I seek
No diamonds or pearl can buy me
Darling listen,
Piercing in thruth I'm willed to flee"
The song ends of that I'm no more than
A sinful sinner to my own ego fire.

I'm still tinkin of positive things to pump my weekend life with. I am sooo darn fucking free to express the feel, care or bother. No more. I want to be a busy bumble bee. Sounds familiar? Goodbye sweet saturdays and sundays. What wad activity ya? I was tinkin of volunteering at SPCA or teach or belajar ugama alone..yeah .. Think2x. I need this treatment FAST. I'm getting my feelings out of control.

Updated: Bruce Lee wannabe

Btw I love this video. Keep an eye on the guy face. I watched it a million times oredi i still laugh at it. DAMNN STUPID. I'm glad . Someday you will come for me right? I know you will. My perfect distraction. For now I'll keep my mouth shut and watch for signs...small ones..hhee Weakness is sinful. *smiles*

The end

2006-04-09T21:19:00.000-07:00

Rabak. My dumb brains been telling me to work hard. I lioke....keeps me busy not thinking about reality. You give love a bad name. Serius. I therefore declare to the whole world now that I will succeed...independetly...
The wall around me....babe...the wall around me.

Many things happened within this few weeks. The signs the stares all of which I ignore. NO MORE u hear me No more. That is the last straw. I kept my promise so far. No more hurt no more empty promises. No more recollection of memories shit. I'm married to my family, my future , my work , my passion and my sister/cat .
No more tears. Hates THEM love life.

I wonder why do i even bother. Crying myself to slp didn't help that much. Burying myself with work makes me tired. Making myself frustrated and angry didn't help that much either sooo....therefore I've resorted to a new treatment. I plan to further my studies after this year. Work 2 years collect duit, kalau ader rezeki local U if not abroad. Yes, abroad. Maybe then I will know who cares for me most.. Tuhan lebih mengetahui jalan hidupku. He noes better. I need a miracle...I need a reason to believe that children will make me happy one day. Building a family has alwaes been my dream....he noes better if it's going to be a reality...will it be?? My retribution..I deserve wad I did to someone from my past. Suddenly I miss cooking nasi rawean and potato egg. The thought came about when I was eating begedel with nasi lemak for lunch...and i remembered how nice it was back then in the kitchen..cooking.

Do i trust my heart or trust my mind?
Why is it so hard to find trust in this world?
Coz I'm due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
Stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes
tonight I understand all the goodbyes.

My comp has been infected with some w32.rile/w32.puce. Fuck luckily i dlw the patch is ok now. hmmm i hate my house comp from last time buat pasal aje.

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for watsons nak beli my monthly supply of pimple cream and rent some vcds...bored only for today. Besok dah kerja...*sigh*

The sweet beginnings of an end

2006-03-26T00:25:00.000-08:00

I've just recovered from a very bad week. Work pressure is amounting. God how I wish my brain is a thumbdrive. Slot in everything is there. *LOL!*

This week's earworm vid...TOMMMY LEEEEE!!! An 80's metal drummer from Motley Crue which happens to be my dad's favourite.....(dulu zaman dier rock ar...kalau kuah tak tumpah pat nasi pat maner lagi kan?..anak bapak ler katakan..) He is still goood looking but in this song he is well more popish. Still, i'm up for it for his hair. HAHAHAHA.

Whoa..hahaa..the anonymous bugger well it's rather interesting to have mak cik kepo's tagging me. Keeps my blog alive. I'm loving it. Dipersilakan tag lagi. Tag all you want. Note to self: THAT'S MY PEROGATIVE...I've always been contradicting...I've always been argumentative. I rather confess it before others finds out by themselves and regret knowing me. *smiles* sounds familiar. But that last entry about building a wall around me. That is true it's still happening.

Love to the boy who loves me....I am a jerk with flaws.
Surprisingly...it felt normal. I'm sick in the head. I know ive tried and dats most important. I've failed. Congrats to myself.

Vindicated

2006-03-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

Yan's employed !! yeah! as of monday I'm gonna start work at Muhibbah's Travel Agency and it has CPF. Amin. So much for my blisters, sushi's and my tedious job huntings.

Today I went out with rahman to request for my formal transcript. God I gotta like pay $5.25 for just a piece of paper. Yuckkss! okies like day light robbery ya? My blistering feet is still well ber-airs and blistering...of course!
Between I would like to share a nusery rhyme..this version is is a little bit tooo well...censored..but that's what makes it fun kan?

Little teapot
I'm a little teapot
short and tout
Where is my handle, where is my spout *arghhh*
I start ratting down my spout*weee*
and that spout's no more tout..

composition of -* yan&rahman

LOL!

Reality:
Buried a life. That's what i'm doing. I'm a walking talking time bomb. God almighty knows it better. The way, the truth , the light. I'm vindicated.I'm selfish. I am wrong. I noe I'm right and I knew it all along that I flawed. I am cleaning up so well...please take me back to better days.My past teaches me a hard lesson that each and every time I try i build a wall. So thick and inpenetrable to others..esp men in particular. They will hate me. Curse me. Swear me. Revenge on me. Let it be. I've been there done dat. In the end I get nothing but just pain, misery and regrets..My heart is of a stone. I'm like a poison ivy.

Wall of fame
"Beauty on the outside...ugly on the inside " - Abg wan
"Fuck off!! You know who you are!!!Melodramatic liar!!!!-Liar!!!" - Superhero armin
"I hate your ego yan, it's a complete turn-off" - Len
"I want you to challenge yourself to forget me" - Adam

See told ya. I will rehearse wadever they sae to me. On and on tru my head. Physcotic you may say. But it helps me to build that wall somehow...How i hate my heart for believing love could save me for the last straw.
My family, my sister, my career, my girls, my cat, my friends..i'm back to square one...I prayed for a sign and if this is one of it. I'll take it. I am redha. I will keep my promise, I have to. Tuhan lebih mengetahui jalan hidupku. Amin. Meanwhile..get a glimpse of the history of FUCK!...haha it's rather hilarious . Enjoy

History of the "F" word

Yayness?

2006-03-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

My blog is worth....

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

sedih nyer!!!!

AKU PASRAH...*shhhing* mee crispy noodle datang. LOL!
Anyways, so many things have been happening. Right now I am blogging at the comforts of my office. Today's the last day of attachment. ARGHH!!! screams. But at the same time I am waiting for a phone call from kelly services. I was called up for an interview from them early this week after submitting my resume. Forms after forms...agreements after agreements...and guess what..HSBC bank manager not in office. Sial. I don't tink I get it lor..BUUUTT trisha i'm so going to haunt you with phone calls. Pasal you gave me ur namecard. I'll wait somemore till wed or thurs. Only then will i start haunting her. HHAHAHA! Kesian eh siapa kerja pat recruitment office. Kena bugged 24/7 with ppl like me!! hahaha.

Apart from my tedious job hunting, last weekend.....me , hazwan's gang , superhero armin , ira and syidah had chalet. I am sooo farking lazy to put up the pics..I'll edit it later. Don't worry. I have yet to get my pay from AMP. Kenapa kau seleeellllllaaallu kasi gaji org lambat...tak per I have my supervisor's num...lagi ar aku haunt dier. I looovvee to be demanding. Today's marks the offical day I have in NYP. No more sch. No more studying . No more lectures. No more tests and exams. NO MORE! I miss my frens. I miss huishan and alex...coz I get to laugh at both of them. I miss ira syidah durah ...bad yayat though all of em are so distant away. I miss all of you. I miss the crazy things I say to all of you. I miss junaidah..my makan kaki. My cheers patner...my singing cum vocal chord trainer..though ur singing suxs ...your teaching is dammmmn good. I miss you syg..I will alwaes remember the bdae batch that I had the previous 1st december. I miss you jun, though it's a short time I will somehow keep in contact with you. I noe i will...just like me and yani..kan kan kan yani? hahaha...surprsingly ... I miss other frenz etc.. they have been silent for god damn how long I didn't keep track. No strings attached serius. I just wish to ask their being. How are they doing..feeling well? What are you up to? Working..schooling? I miss chatting with them on msn. Terus tak dengar berita...kenapa ya?

Putting that thought aside...I am having a prob with time management. It's not working but I love it coz after this when I WORK confirm no time for superhero armin. In a way, that's what I wanted....he'll be in camp anyway. Something to occupy me till he comes back during weekend.
I've got it all planned in my head. Hopefully everything goes well. Amin

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for the couch beside at the office..Sleeping time!

Enigma's

2006-03-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah that's the tittle for today. I'm just plain fucking clueless about fulling needs and wants of others. My life is so mechanic now. Wake up - 7.30am ...go work. Reach Work - 9.05am..sit do work...Bosan at work- go makan & bebual - 11ish to 12 plus. Go lunch with superhero armin - 1.00
Reach work..buat kerja somemore...- 2ish to 5.30 pm. Go bebual or cari makan somemore - 5.00 to 6.05 ...dah done. That is all.
It's so mechanic. Day in Day out. Same thing. Same shit. Bosan. Attachment date is ending soon. At the end of it I thought of continuing working at AMP coz of the consitent persistent of the ever loving makciks. Surprisingly I'm lk close to one of them - Makcik Syidah.
She's so hilarious. Veerrry Vogue..I like. Prolly all Syidah's are funny and a bunch of joy. *Winks* Syidah. I lovve talking to her coz she's open and experienced. When I first came to AMP..I thought at the end of it all I won't find any friends..or rather shun away from communications.
I feel sad to leave here surprisingly kan2x? Kawan2x? I lovee to stay at Level 5 not 6. I'm gonna miss you Cik Syidah.
Ok enuff of ranting. I almost forgotten to update in a l..oo.ooo..oo...n......g time. K bedek. Baru 3 weeks. Eh waitz dah nak one mth ya? Hahaha...
Anyways I went out With superhero armin Green Bench braders eh...let me see like last weekend...yeah. Apparently, thahar one of the GB boys is going to serve the nation soon and I guess Sha is so enthu about the gathering..hhehe I wonder. Yeah before I sidetrack to another chapter and start ranting
on how a woman who's attached should be properly behaved I better move on. Yeah...ok right.

There so we camwhore the wholee night and the boys mostly are meanies....dominated the camera..which I nearly got pissed. Boys will always be boys.
So yeah and we took pictures of us girls together.
Click hereAnd we ended up with this...

So that is all I hope is that Everything last and nothings a facade. Prolly right now I won't sae so much. I just hate enigma's.
I don't know whether the problem lies in me or the men that are attracted to me or my stupidty or my joyfulness character. I have noo iii...dd...e...a!
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry. I need to find that meaning that I search for so long. Please ya allah guide me to the way , the thruth , the light. I need you to tell me
everything will be just fine...when it's not. Pretty boy's are everywhere...just close your eyes and I'll be there...*sighs* . Another random thought...5th-7th of March is hazwan's chalet..I'm soo going.
Msg Bad but no response I wonder why. He seems soooo quiet nowadays unlike those days. Prolly busy agaknyer ...lagi2x nak habis semester ni ...YAY DAH NAK GRADUATE!! Goodbye Nyp...Helloo working world.
I plan to work for 2 years before I start applying for NTU. Duit bank kehausan babe. I gotta earn money for my own school. For now I am still looking around for a job THAT HAS CPF..Fuck right now my job doesn't have one.And the moment when I find something better I'll quit I tell ya. Another random thought stuck in my head. This weeks earworm by Panic ! at the Disco..video reminds me of my own family affairs..."better to fix this things with a sense of poison and rationality". Siapa yang tahu good for you... siapa yang tak tau, cuba fahamkan...ahhaha.

With that I would like to end today's entry with a note to god. I need your help. To make things better,I pray that he will understand my hearts content...coz I can't feel anymore tuhan.
I am numb. I don't know am I suppose to feel sad or cry or show any sign of remorse. The fact is I am gathering myself together and continuing ...pretending nothings happen. I need your help...plz2x make this better.

Another laugh out loud session.

2006-02-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

The title says it all. Thanx girls. I had fun lauging my guts out and telling and sharing my probs. THANK YOU. LOVA YA GUYS LOADS. MUACKS. The GNO girls compromise of....

Muka stoink syidah

Yan langbit...ram slow gila babi>> did i get that right girls?

Durrah..the bowling dudette. hahhah

Ira...the laughing hyena...ketawa sampai semput.hahaha

other than that the outing was ssuppperb...we ended up eating at Nana Thai instead of Sakura..I don't mind I get my crispy noodles..hhehe.. I can't wait for the next meeting we're gonna have. Another laugh loud session on the way. Caution. Gentle reminder. No men allowed! ahhaha . Meanwhile Enjoy.

Cheeerrrs!!! Hurrah! to ermz one night of singlehood w/o men ??? hmmm....

Heya! bowling dudette...wad was going tru our minds when ira asked to pose with the honey chicken? Peace sign and a gun?? hmmmm...weird friends. Weird minds. HAHAHA

Ni tak leh carryy...ahha only faces...

brought to you by honey chicken and yan's fork. hahaha

ira drank 2 glasses of wad ?? COOOOKKEE... the hyena got thirsty from laughing too much and ended up not finishing her food. Hmmmrp :|

Between I did a quiz from my hotmail upon Irfan my brother send me...and I get this.
------>

Izyan --

[noun]:

A dance involving little to no clothing

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

That's all for now. Trima kasih. Vanakam. Thank you. Sei Xie. hahahha. yan2x.

2006-02-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

Learn to love the people who are with you at present.
Forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting you, which led you to love the people you have right now.

When you love someone, you'll do crazy things you can't explain, you'll deny the truth and believe in lies. When you love someone, you sacrifice, give everything you've got and don't think twice. You risk it all no matter what.

Everything in life is temporary because everything changes. That is why it takes courage to love, knowing it might end anytime...having faith will make it last.

Friends are not the one who laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry. They are the ones who make you laugh and stop you from crying.

Love is the feeling we fall in and out of, and every time we fall off, we learn to hold on tighter...hoping that next time, we may never have to let go.

They say when love knocks at your door, open it. But do you know that sometimes love enters through the back door and before you begin to notice it, it's on it's way out.

Have you ever loved only to let it go? Have you ever hated someone and loved him so? Have you ever missed someone so bad it made you cry? Have you ever seen someone left alone without knowing why?

True: Lucky is the man who wins the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who wins the last love of a man.

Love is not the right word to say when you feel guilty nor
the right word to say when you like a person but love really matters when we share our thoughts, our minds, and our hearts...

Life has a way of changing things but not the joy that friendship brings, for friendship is like the shining moon, makes each night a brighter one.

Love is not for beauty or color of the skin, but for a heart that is loyal within, for beauty fades and the skin would grow old but a heart that is loyal will never turn cold.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

A love is easy to feel, so hard to explain; so easy to get, so hard to let go; so easy to spell, so hard to define...and yet everyone is still taking the risk.
That's love!

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in love in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE!

Never be afraid to fall in love. It may hurt a lot, it may give you aches and pain, but if you don't follow your heart; in the end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.

Don't run ahead of God. Let Him direct your steps. He has plans and He has His time. God's clock is never one minute early nor one minute late. It always strikes right on time.

If someone loves you, love them back not only because they love you, but also becasue they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you have never seen or felt without them.

The past is meant to be used as a tool for the future.
Bad experiences indeed make you bitter but the lessons learned should make you better.

On letting go: it hurts to see someone you love happy with somebody else; but wouldn't it hurt you more to see that person unhappy...making the same mistake when he's with another? Poor girl.
When you find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, lips that will kiss you in both instances, and a heart that will love you at your worst, then you have found true love.

Someday, someone might come into your life and love you in a way you always wanted. If your someday was yesterday, LEARN; if your someday is tomorrow, HOPE; if your someday is today, CHERISH.

Let go of the hand of the person you love, but don't let go of God's
hand. For when you hold on to His hand, He may be holding the person
you love on the other hand, to let you hold each other again.

Why do people say loving too much makes you stupid?
It's because you'll always be wrong even if you're right. You're weak even if you're strong. You give without receiving. You cry, get pains but still say you're happy.

How would you know if you've fallen in love real hard?
It's when someone hurts you and you love him still.
Then he hurts you again to find out that you love him even more...

We only have one heart, but there are many places in it wherein we keep every person we meet. Somebody whom we know we might never meet again, but will never be forgotten.
Your friends are like buttons on the elevator --- they will either bring you up or take you down. Choose the people you want to call friends, but be sure to get yourself on the right floor.

If you're afraid to love a person because of friendship, you have two choices; either tell what you feel and let love take its place or forever hide the feeling under a friendship full of pretenses.

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for the one
available. Best to wait for the one you love than the one who's around. Best to wait for the right one 'cause life's too short to be wasted on just someone.

If you feel love, don't lose a grip on it, you'll never know the one you let go was the one you waited for all your life.

We can never understand joy till we feel sorrow, faith till we're tested, peace till we're faced with conflicts, trust till we're betrayed, and love till it's gone.

Love is not a matter of finding the right person but rather creating the right relationship. The important question is not how much love there is at the beginning but how much there is at the end.

Sometimes no matter how secure you are in someone's arms and no matter how tightly you hold on to this person's hand, you'll find yourself falling...dangerously in love with someone else...

There are some who catch our site and only few who touch our hearts. Look into your heart and pursue the person you love for it's better to risk than just let love pass you by.

When everything seems to be unfair, when all that you do isn't
appreciated, I'll take your hand, wipe away your tears, take you for a walk and tell you everything will be fine.

Sometimes in life you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh till you can't stop.
Someone who holds your hand and never lets you go alone in life.

----->
I’ve only got one person to say sorry to – Superhero Armin. I love you.
My superhero that calms me down when I’m about to tear all my hair out.
My superhero that blows my ego, pride and bring me back to sanity when I’m at the verge of breaking down.
I’ll always keep that thought in my mind. You’re not just any guy darling. You’re the very same person whom I prayed for from the one above and I will never repeat my mistakes that I’ve done in the past. If not for all your advises makin teruk ar perangai aku. Thank you for pulling be back to reality when I am about to plunge back to another beautiful tragedy. I love you

Itchy2x scratchy2x up and down the liar wacky

2006-02-06T17:52:00.000-08:00

liar2x pants on fire. Wait till retribution comes. I smell the sweet aroma of revenge. I loveeee it. I can be a listening ear and watch as a spectator. It's wonderful to be in a situation like this. * Appalause * Right now I am doing mantenance again. Every month kena sia. Work has been silent. Or rather stressful. My face has been growing pimples since Nov. It's not wearing off I don't know why.

Time check - 5.42 pm. I'm sooooo gonna meet superhero later. Ya allah how long lagi sey?? Right now I'm waiting for the comp set beside me to reboot. Macam siak. Gaji lum kasi masih nak suruh buat kerja. Next time no gaji no come ar!. Nabei.

Last few weeks have been a relevation week for me. Looks like my prayers were answered...slowly. Amin. One day the thruth will come to light. I am very certain of that. For now all I can do is wait and see how manusia2x ni semua HANYUT ....hahaha dalam alam percintaaan. Amin. Love, * puei * but then again I'm nobody to say anithg now am I? OOHH i'm loving it ar. Revenge and karma. I hail thee. One fine day , the thruth will come to light. Let's see who's having the last laugh. If advice pun tak jalan...ar learn through the hard way. Ego kan nak menang. Bagus amalkan ...see how many takers are willing to. A true lovers heart will alwaes bear that in mind. So are you any one of those?

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on to kemasing my stuff to go meet superhero armin now. Tak nak kena bugged or diganggu. Good it's just another allibi that you always say the truth is you have no balls or guts of a true lover to face reality. Amin. Revenge is sweet. If dosa...you sae, good I am a sinner. I wish to stay that way . I'm imperfect and I know that. I admit it. I've already learnt a hard lesson through superhero armin. So another good question.. Do you? Understand? No you don't? Good. It's suppose to be like that. Siapa makan lada terasa pedas. hahahahaa. Yan youre so evil...yan maintain..hahahaa. Dulu sayang sekarang hate hahahhaha konon....ape je. Ni ar ragam manusia, we will see who is with whom the longest. I dare you TO move. I dare you to pick yourself up from the floor and try to have guts. I dare you.

Metal Industries III

2006-01-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

Details
Venue: Sub C
Time: 11am-12 Midnight
Date: 18th March 2006
Pricing: $5
* Shoes and boots are allowed in the premises

It's crumpled up in between my diary. At last I found the flyer, credits to Irfan. I bet superhero's going...right syg? Thinking about the possiblities between us makes me smile myslef to sleep. A gig that's a must to go. Enjoy.

Wheel of ??Fate?

2006-01-17T11:34:00.000-08:00

Here I am alone at AMP( attachment place ) blogging while trying to reformat a comp beside me. Last resort, if this time round the LAN cable winds up again and disconnect I am soo gonna scream alone in this room.
Marriage? We'll see. Kasi cukup makan mak bapak dulu baru pikir pasal khawin. As the title mentioned above. Wheel of Fate. We'll see ya. We'll just see. I shall keep the predictions to myself.
I am enjoying every single one minute of being a spectator in everyone's life. I learnt that it's always easy to talk but never that easy to be in that someone's shoes and experience what they are going through. No matter how hard the author tries to explain, elaborate or write down every single one detail of what's happening in his/her life. It just ain't the same. Therefore, I have resorted back to my own personal diary. I can't wait for 365 days. The "gift" of all gifts. I hope to see a smile on superhero's face. He will somehow gets teary eyed over this. I can imagine it already. You will never know how much I love you for saving me in the nick of time. I must thank you, you for that.

There's more to life than just...working hard to achieve your goal or your target money....or your lust on chasing after someone or your desire to get hold of your favourite item be it an mp3 player, a high quality sound system to listen to the best music ever that's so soothing to the ears. There's more to life than just chasing after status or looks or a grand home that you can make people awe in jealousy..wishing that they too could have such luxury. Simplified version= Money, Status , Looks , Fame , Personal Attacks , Lust , Sex , Ciggies , Gigs , Having Fun, Cheating to get your way out..etc.....they don't buy love. I know it might sound so fantasy to you. But this is life...or at least what I thought of it. I have watched how people can change after marriage.My parents are a walking, talking example of one. I am not shy about that. On a contraversional note, what is a relationship? I often ask myself this ..you know just to boost up my own ego..yes my own ego. Ok you win superhero...ahhaha kalau bukan for all your advises. I would have plunge down in misery and teruk lah jadi nyer aku. Ok my supervisor just called me asking for me to do work in excel! arghhh...macam secretary/repairwoman/database admin....macam siak...arghhhh!!!!

Sounds chim? Good. That is the way I want it to be. Right at this moment I am waiting for the computer set beside me to reload. Fuck it I hate doing mainetenance ar.

13th January ..booze? nah i'm in it for the show

2006-01-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

At last i got the poster. Any one interested? There's booze after the show? not my cup of tea though. Yay! gig's are fun :D

Still so young yet desperate for attention..hahaa

2005-12-30T17:10:00.000-08:00

Song of the week : STILL SO YOUNG YET DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION. Some women in general loove attention. I personally don't know why. Don't mention about women. Men too....To wrap it up. Some people want it all, But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby... No money. No personal attacks or motekings. No drinks. No ciggies. No Lust. No power or egoism ...can ever2x replace what i'm going through now with superhero armin. Like I promised...I want to be that women behind a successful man.
Yesterday was irfan's gig at BeatMerchants, starring superhero armin as the bassist. APE LAGI? Sanggup aku amik MC for this two boys. Check out the pics under "My First punkrock/hardcore/emo gig " Click here One superb gig ar though it's like so ulufied...I dun give a fuck ...that's wad's good about gigs and local scene...The location can be so ulufied and cheap but the music and sound produce are of a good quality. Which reminds me...our practices for 3rd and 4th Gig is well progressing. Siapa dapat the tix I gave please make urself free...pretty please....Me and sharil need all the support. I hope I don't screw it up like fuck. I want to do something challenging as quoted from someone from the past....
" I want to see you go somewhere izyan, prove yourself you can do it. Show me." WAHAHHA my dear friend...open your eyes big enuff and see for yourself whether yan has changed or not and then come and talk to me. Revenge is sweet. The words that you say..every each one of them from both of them...well I keep on rehearsing it and seriusly it keeps me going to prove myself to the world.

FUN-anation was all I had. The band and crew..chey..I AM THE CAMERAWOMAN FOR THE DAY OK? There are videos . It's sent upon request. Those who want it please feel free to contact me at msn or hp. The number's still the same so does the msn.

With that I would like to end today's short entry and review again castroy's vid...I love their tag..damn..photoshop does wonders to photos...I want to scan in their tag! Oits! bila mau buat recording?

You and me are like one heartbeat

2005-12-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the last day of FYPJ. I cried coz Number one..haha ( if ayang hears this he will be laughing) Honey2x please I cried coz I know everything's not gonna be the same ever. People like Jun , Eikin , Roger , Jini and Darren. I love my friends every each one of them. It's amazing what time can do to people. Everyones' back in sch but there's just something different about them. Like I said time...keyword of the day. Time changes people.

Moving on, Played badminton/cam-whoring with my old buds from D7. yeah2x!! Sempat eh last day katakan. There was bad, me , Ben , stella , and of course the MAN...yayat. It's been a long time since I catch up with em. All of us are going our seperate ways and it's hurting me deep...hiazz frenz forever buds..keep in touch..
Soon after, I followed superhero and made our trip to peninsulia to buy his precious convo. *Giggles* He keeps on purring, yes you saw that right...PURRRING on the jacket. Kelakar bangat tengok dier nyer gelagat macam kera dapat emas. HHAHAHAHAAHA
Looks like superhero armin found his perfect costume...to save me in action hahhaa.. A CONVO...hahahaa ayang2x
rabak ar you darling.

I am very infact extremely worried about our competition on the 4th of Jan. Where the heck am I suppose to get a song in minus 1. WORRIED WORRIED WORRIED. I might as well worry myself to death. Not to mention this X'mas has gotten me broke. Keeping in mind I need to think about the costume with Sharil. *YELLS* arghh Help! Right at this moment I wish ....it's raining money from the skies. *smiles*

So far this whole week, I've been slacking. I need more milk , ice-cream potong please and sweets and chocolates. You might think that it's sinful to indulge in something that is so fattening. Heck! I don't wanna know. hahahaa save your breath explaning all those nutritional facts. I don't need to know it right at this moment.

With that I would like to end today's entry with a poem that I composed yst night about superhero. Of course who would be right?

My special Mornings
Awaken in the morning with a tender kiss
Help me start my day off with a alittle bit of bliss
Your sweet smelling breath silently airing it more..
Not a single noise was made when you walked across the floor

You caught me daydreaming deeply,completely unaware
You gently took and used your velvet hands to brush them away
A little smile did across my lips
You wondered what did I dream
It looked like I enjoyed it, or so it seems

You lay on the bed beside me, and you gazed upon my face
With your fingertips, my lips you lightly traced.
I think fairytales may be true that superhero do exist
For just like stories they are, on my lips a superhero kiss

What better way to greet the day,
As dawn began to break, than to
Have your lover with a kiss of an sms
to keep you awake.

I LOVE YOU SUPERHERO

He and his chocolates

2005-12-12T06:40:00.000-08:00

He will always makes my heart skips a beat. Each time he's on his drumsets I love to stare into his eyes and oggle and look and u name it I'm going googoo gaga over my own bf. I can't help it but sometimes smile myself to sleep each and everytime reminisce how we met, the ppl that help us to be together. The jokes, the endless phonecalls, flowings of sms .....I can't help it to think that this is my calling.
No matter how I try to run away from the thruth, you're always there to pull me back to reality. Be it ur advise...ur scoldings...ur care and concern. You really know ur shit ya darling? heheeehhee

Followed him to do one of his recordings. I don't mind like waiting at that jamming place for like whole day coz going there is like going for a free gig. hahhaa serius shit. I'm lovin it. I love him to bits for unleashing this side of izyan that I never tot I wld be.

I am glad and contented enough. It's so satisfying to know that I don't need to worry or think too hard whether am I making him angry by saying this or am I making him feel sad by doing this...coz with him i can be myself. I can burp and fart or be laser at any time of the second and drop hints to me not to do it again or rather warning hahhahaa. This week's earworm Lifehouse-Blind.
Yeah It feels so good to know that this time round it works both ways. When i do something wrong he warns me....when he tries hard beyond his capabilities I remind him of his weakness . It feels so good that I don't need to try so hard coz i believe it takes both hands to clap. Yeah. Ayang u make me feel so beautiful inside..outside. My special mornings. Can't live w/o ur smiling ragamu.

I can't help it when he sacrifices his sleep to have lunch with me in sch. I can't help it when my frens or ppl tegur him and ask him things lk , " eh...kau ni kan drummer untuk blah2x"....I can't help it when girls stare at him coz I am that proud to be his gf. Not coz of the limelight that i'm getting coz he is my supehero. My superhero who saved me in the nick of time. My superhero to bring me hapiness and I don't need to care or worry if anything i sae or do will hurt him. Coz seriusly it takes both hands to clap to make a relationship work long. Period. It's no point if superhero buys me stars or diamonds from the skies above coz I know it won't give me the same amount of joy that I get when we spent time together. Be it at his studio. Be it at his place talking to his sister. Be it when we're lepaking. Be it when i'm with his Green bench braders. I love you superhero. Sempana annivesary kita besok. This entry is for u ayang. I don't give a fuck in the world wad ppl think about me and you coz we rulez...hahaa I can sing at the top of my voice no matter how sumbang i get and u'll alawes be there to coach me. I can laugh at the most lamest shit and glad to find that you're laughing at the same thing too. I can masssage your hands and back and don't get carried away. I am that confident nth will happen. Thank you for chg me darling muacks.

I love it when you call me kuda AND believe it or not I love it when I call you selipar longkang. So there..you have it, Happy Annivesary baby....hahhaaa
I love you more than you'll ever know syg. I seriusly don't give a fuck in the world about others, and yes Ibu ayah too. Counting down to our future. I know your worth it, Some people just want it all, but I don't want nothing...if i it aint u baby..if I aint got you baby.

Letters to you

2005-12-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

From Superhero:
i can never be as abg wan to amik hati ur parents...
belom aper2 ur parents don like me already...
ur frens tink dat ur life with abg wan is much better than with me..
cos u can go out happily without having to worry..
u dont need to hide from ur parents dat ur going out with ur bf..
ur parents like him...
ur frens like him...
he's smart...
i aper yg ader..
smalam u ngan ur mum gaduh pon pasal u nak kua.. with me...
i can not bring happiness in ur life like he did...
its bcos of me dat problems in ur life arise...
i feel damn shit tau...
i am really trying my BEST to give u watever it takes to for u to be happy..
i keje not for me... it was never for me...
i keje pasal kita..
at least dapat jumpa u after sch, gi makan dinner ke g tgk wayang kejap pon
jadi..
its bcos of me dat u are more restricted to go out now..
i buat u mara slalu.. i tau i lembab dan bodo..
i admit im a slow person...
i dont have anyting in this world to give you except for my sincerity..
im so sincere with u dat i tell u abt my past...
i tanak simpan aper2 even doh i am taking the risk dat my past would haunt
our relationship...
i have to tell u my past bcos i am sincere now.. i dont wanna hide
anyting...
i may not say i love u just as much..
i may be tak tau malu.. but when expressing out my actual feelings, im not
good at it..
theres this always tot in my head that im always scared that u mite tink i
may not love u just as much..
god knows how much i love you.. i dnt wanna say what i did ah, but my
sacrifices for you will prove jsut how much i love u..
if i wasnt happy with u, i wouldnt have the courage to intro u to my
family..
im confident dat you are gonna be the best of all that is why i finally
bring you to my family.. which i have never done to anyone before..
you should know by now if im dead serious or not..
i know now i can not be of any significance in ur life... tapi i sabar...
im willing to wait ur family and the people ard you are
willing to accept me..
you may not see it noe ah but..
trust me izyan..
one fine day... the truth shall come to light.. i cant keep saying i love
you je.. but i hope you will come to realise one day izyan..
this is the side of me i have never been before..

lotsa love,
Armin

Reply:
Ayang. I don't care at all.

Our past is killing us . It's a fact. But I don't want to think about it for now. I have you, finish fullstop.Listen to the lyrics of this song properly. You'll never be replaced. Never. It's time to settle down for me. No more egoism . No more fights. No more tears. I finally realised this is what I am and I'm so confident and certain coz I'm glad this time round it works both ways. Amin. May time tell it's tale. I love you superhero armin. Only you sayang.

Reality:
I'm stuck at FYPJ. Work work and more work. Keep telling my supervisor we can't do it he says he'll help but want us to try as well. I can't do it simple as that. Which part of can't do it does he not understand. Annnoyyying! Work as usual silent like fuck. I won't comment to that. Superhero armin gave me two tops and a gpsy skirt for my bdae. Sayang dier. *muacks* My special mornings. You're smiling ragamu. Can't live w/o it. I have been writing our suprise for him. *giggles* You will know it at the end when we reach one year ya? You'll see. Tomorrow's GNO, girls NIGHT OUT. hehehe we're playing ppooool! yay! I'm contented with what I have right at this moment. Very.

With that I would like to end today's long entry and head on for my AES documentation in words. Work2x more work. Sian Big Time.

My Briliant Life

2005-12-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

My life is brilliant. My life is sore.
Yeap. If I am standing at the top of the mountain I would scream my lungs out and thank the one above for everything that I have. Phrase of the day : Money and Gifts don't buy happiness.

My heart goes out to you tetek boy. Circumstances changes us people and it's a matter of adapting to the environment. Who says growing up would be easy. Looking back and reflecting on what I gossiped and thought. I take it all back. I am saying my sorry's to everyone on my list that I have been gossiping about. After sitting down and doing my thinking I realise that :
1) it doesn't pay off to be nice to everyone around you. They might think you are leading them on or not moving on.
2) it doesn't pay off to care for them coz they might think you are a backstabber or a snake.
3)it doesn't pay off to ask how you are doing coz they might think you this blender shit.
In short it doesn't pay off to be all rounded. What's more important is you are certain your concious is clear, smile like we mean it and treat everyone like your friend. I just hate conflicts. Why create war when we can be discuss and push aside our differences and talk it out. Good memories are something. I try to remember that when I am feeling down or angry or pissed at ppl. Don't be demanding. Like I said circumstances changes us. It's up to us to adapt. This is a fact of life.

Enough of ranting. Speaking of memories. *Giggles* I had my B'dae celebration yst. Three words for that. Fun Fun Fun. They bought a chocolate cake for me from polar cafe. Sam saboed me with water at the toielt. The rest saboed me with cakes and all. Mati siak. Hhaa I had to do my dare infront of mac and do a pole dancing. It turned out to be a giggling session. I made everyone laugh on the floor. * LOL* Thank you ppl for congratulating me and sending endless flows of sms to wish me. See if you're a nice fren...ppl do remember you. HHAHHAAa... I didn't expect iman to remember my b'dae as well. It's like so long agao and further more when I'm back in my sec sch she and I are not close . It really touches my heart ar.... serius. I realise that my true good friends are Ira, bad and yayat. Coz they are the first three to rush and flood and called me but me being the lazy ass ....SLEPT. hhahhahahhaa I love my friends...I love my family I love my superhero.

With that I would like to end today's entry with pictures of my ever embarassing moment infront of Mac. The pole dancing video those who wish to view, it's send upon request. So feel free to tag me . HAHHAa...*psst* check out the pics...hahhaaa

He's only almost here

2005-11-24T16:57:00.000-08:00

Aights..here comes the checklist again.

Saturday went out jalan raya with the Green Bench Braders..all I can sae is fun fun fun. Psst check out the pics here. Click here to view
Yeah. I am that lazy to upload. But hey2x there's more of our photos. Can't help it with his smile...hiazz..my lame ass superhero armin...he gave a photoablum of us for our 1st month annivesary and to tell ya the thruth I am shocked as it is. Yani saw the album and felt jealous..aww...Rid mane kau matair dah cakap gitu..Do something!! Right now as I am blogging I'm listening to Senyuman Ragamu by Gerhana Skacinta. Can't help it but to power up to that too.

Life has been pretty much normal. Yst went to tag along with superhero to another one of his jamming studios. This time it's near sim lim square. Ade je ayang ni. hmmmRp.Superhero armin has been juggling with his time well that whenever I thought about him I'll smile myself to sleep. I swear no joke!. Tak pernah ever a person gets close to my bestfren, Baddruzaman and superhero armin did. Interesting. *smoooches* I love to see him in action..I love it when he tries sooo hard to impress me with his talents ...padahal2x dier memang talented nak show off je ar, hehheee...I love to see him playing the drums in action..very upclose and personal.....hahahaa! style ar... Yeap. I am contented with what I have . VERY. Death to the girl who touches or glances at him. I swear I will personally slice ur throat or skin u alive. *Evil laughs* Nobody can have him and I mean NOOOOO one. kekkekee

I've been assigned to a new task for FYPJ. We're doing VB but I have a problem. I don't know how to connect to the database using this damn MYSQL server. Curse you to my grave.

Work has been well silent. No comments to that. Hope everything is well to that and things at home is getting better. I love my new life. I have him. I have my family . I have my friends. Speaking of which Ira just msged me again this afternoon asking for another girls night out...hahhaha I suggested movie coz the last time we actually go out and makan. Yay! Love ya girls. Love ya durrah..love ya ira esp..you...and lastly Syidah...hehehe. Kalau tak der korang siapa ar aku...hehehhe thank you for everything.

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for our photos. He look so cute when he's sleeping. See...
Before

After

Forgive but Never Forget

2005-11-14T14:37:00.000-08:00

As the tittle says above. I always forgive but never forget who I am..who hurts me or me otherwise. Never. Word of caution. Danger Yan is totally pissed off with life itself. This entry may cause severe irritation to the eyes. The content may cause hurt as well as anger but who cares it's my blog. Yeah. Anyways...supposingly I was going to jalan raya but in the end I couldn't get an off during the weekends. Plan gone down the drain. So yeah that is all to it I'm going to reveal. Other than that I am ok. I am not bugged about it as much as last night but still I may forgive but never forget.

Sat I sold 3 shirts and I get $30 incentives which is good yeah. I'm loving it. Skipped jalan raya with my aunts coz I had to work both days. Somethings just cannot be avoided. Superhero Armin is still at Tanjung Pinang. I miss him. I am not angry or whatsoever at him...I am more pissed off at GOD. Yeah you saw that right. Why on earth did he allow him to be outstation of all days when I'm working..you answer me god...tell me why. I already have that intention of spending a good sat with him and his friends....pantat. What rotten luck I have. FUCK THE WORLD. I hate it, it really doesn't pay off to be nice and smile and pretend everythings alright the fact is IT'S NOT. So damn it...stop pretending and tell me str8 in the face that I can't get an off FUCK.

Wish superhero armin is here. I am sure he will calm me down. I am still bingit though. For the 1st time I am going to say this. Sometimes god I hate you for planting that seed inside of me. That seed of thought to plan my life 5 years down the road. I wish I could undo that decision I make but it's too late. I've already met my superhero...

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for my songs...after this I am soo going to blast and powered the sound up to either Saosin, Kalmah or Funeral For a Friend. I need scremo's and growls in my life. Right at this moment I just hate fate for doing this to me.

Finally I'm done. My obession.

2005-11-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

Finally I can rest and slack and watch videos all I want. I can enjoy without feeling guilty that I didn't finish this or that. hehhehe at last. This week been well tiring seriusly. Yeah ermz. Hazwan ketot been's visiting my lab and this thur planning to have lunch with him. Supposingly it would be Jalan Kayu. Baik ar....hehehehe. Been powered up to Silverstein - Smile In Your Sleep. Why? Only god knows the thruth. Ayang. I miss u.....I need you where are you arghhh!!

On the 19th and 20th nak jalan raya gi rumah kawan2 yang sewaktu dgn me. hahaha supposingly on the 19th is for superhero armin's friends and 20th is the remaining ones...I've always wanted to plan to jalan raya with my bf's friends...hahah at last got a chance. I get what I desired. I know I'm not perfect..my history says so..such a pity ar but nevertheless I will somehow pull through and I know it. Gonna take the bus later asap without superhero armin. Kind of miss him ar....this weekend he's off to Tanjung Pinang as a sessionist and I am lovesick already. No mood to do anything. At all. Tegored someone and yeah I only really wanted to say my sorry's coz I think he deserves to know the thruth other than adam. Yeah. That's about it. Diss me Piss me You force this shit on me. So I'm left with no choice but to do that.

He's been day in day out at the studio. Later at 730pm he's going again. Penat sey ni macam that's all he does you know. Anyways FPPJ is not as sucky as it is with nice peeps helping me out. All my three forms can work and I am contented. Yst I surprised superhero armin with this bdae gift/ sorry gift/ a thank you gift . I bought for him this particular band shirt that he adores like hell.....
you should see his face .... his face instantly lights up. Pantat. Matair pun lupakan eh...hehehehehe. And he says that is better than an oreo cheesecake....damnnnn... I want to make an attempt to send him off this Fri. I want to...yupz yupz.

One Sweet Eid Mubarak October

2005-11-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Checklist time.

I got my hands done. Superhero Armin says I am gonna look lk an indian. Pasal ar ayang u lelaki mane tau....gi gel bulu ***** u sudah ar eh. ahhahahah. Next I got my nails all grown...I want to paint them but memandangkan my dad nyer meleteh and teringat superhero armin...I think twice. I am willing enough to do anything.....just anything sayang, you can make me a better person..I know it. You've proved your point and I passed. Thank you for loving me.

Just came back from doing my Hari Raya visiting. Penat Bangat...superhero armin is still out there doing his. Kesian. Saturday is coming so that means working day. Sian. Big TIME. Yst said my sorries to everyone including to those who hurt me or otherwise. Only one said you fuck off la. Interesting. Rosak2 anak melayu skrg. Ni macam nak jadi ayah. Sometimes it doensn't pay off to be nice. You get 2x the shit back. Biarkan ar. I am happy now, that is much more important and like I said before Diss me Piss me Enough said I still rocks. It takes a hell of a courage to msg him and said my sorries yst night on msn ...and look what I get. Luckily, at that moment I remembered superhero armin voice to ask me to be patient, breathe and look at my handphone wallpaper. Thank you once again...my superhero. Enough ar yan. Da ar...Lesson for you to learn. Ignorance is bliss. Guess I deserve that? Entah allahu'alam. Only god knows. I'm a nobody to judge or voice my opinion about that. No comments.

I Know I passed his test and I am flying and constantly changing to be a better person...each day. What's more beautiful is we even discussed about not to and wanting to listen to our "highs". During the fasting month we make sure we resist all temptations hhehhehe shy ar...ermz can't really go into details abt this but yeah basically we resist each other...alot. I love him Ibu Ayah. I wish you would just understand that and see the person just as he is. Not all men are like him. It just kills me that every single time he send me back home I have to bring him to another path. I have to secretly make phonecalls and resort to meeting him at 2.40am, after school and taking my day offs for him because I don't have all the time in world during weekends to do dating anymore. I love him for the man that he is today. I love the man who has the confidence to change me. I love him for all the advises he gives and the patience to understand my complicated life. I love him Ibu Ayah. Whatever it is I am taking precautions. I wldn't want history to repeat itself. He's different and I know it ...I believe in him.

Superhero armin is happy that everything is falling right in it's place. Where it belongs..and that includes his mum. *smiles* I understand why he felt that. Darling that proves something....memories. Aarghh we may be new but I sure do know that once again my gutt feeling is screaming at me to know the thruth. For now I have my eagle eyes on to watch and learn for signs. Slowly it's showing and I'm loving it. Amin.

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for my bed. The tiredness is sloooowwly seeping through my bones. I need full shift of sleep. Hahahhaa I love ya!!! can't wait to jalan raya with you...ehhehehe blue it is.

One Sweet October

2005-10-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. Breathe. Too mushy. To many things to jot down. Yeah. It is that much.

First and foremost, I picked my superhero up from his studio. I saw him in action and I love it. Hhehehee, Sat he would go for an overnight gig...thought of tagging along and leave half way but ney...I have errands to run at home. Loads and futhermore it's been awhile since I keep my butt still at home. My family misses my presences. My mum already start to complain and Irfan has tegured me, so yeah. Time to bend a bit of rules. This weekend and next weekend I'm not working..took 2 weekends off. Yay! So manny things to do yet so little time. I got the preview of them recording their new track it's entitled "Nailed and left to die" by NERRAKA...who wants the track ask me themselves ya? \m/ How can I not melt? You tell me!! You tell me!! hahahaha A dream come true ar serius...I really come a long long way from where I was. Really. If only I have all the money in the world Kesian kadang2 tengok dorang...pooling all the money they have just to do recording.*sighS* I hope this lasts.

Yang... if youre parents doesn't support ur passion, then I would. I would give my 100% full attention to what you love. I will go to every gig you perform. I will listen diligently to every song that your band plays. I will help you in your band's webbie making...I will I want to. I want to be that woman behind a successful man. hehehehe... Like I said before...I don't mind ur music. I don't mind ur lifestyle. I don't mind ur clothings as long as you love me. heheheh terbawak lagu lak. Sorry aniwaes....that's besides the point. He tested me again this afternoon and I passed. I didn't lose my temper or be egoistic or jump to conclusion...hahhaah I KNOW i didn't. Yes yes yes! At the rate even if I am going even if I leave him ...positively I will leave him as a better person. Right superhero? He said it himself not me. hehhee

Other than that...two days ago I had an urge to surprise him with something and after consulatation...Uds suggested a cheesecake from secret receipe...they had like 50% discount due to their annivesary celebration in the month of October. So yeah I bought him an Oreo Chessecake as well as Marble Cheesake. HHHAHAHA I am soo making him fat. I want him to. Yay! And come to think of it I had to wait under his void deck while hearing his mum nagged at him. Awww.....I love my mum and dad. Don't you?
*giggles* The sight of him gubbling all the cake down for dinnner make me happy. I know chocolate's his favourite. hahahhaaa. There's more baby. Watch and Learn. Don't ever think about losing weight with me...coz you know why losing weight is almost impossible. Everything you eat is fat so if you can't beat them join them. Hheeee.

FYPJ is sucking me dry. I can't debug. My DT has vapourised into thin air. My supervisor has gone abroad. So yeah. No one can help me. I need felix. If this continues I will resort to something. Think yan. Think.

Work ..well I rather chuck it aside for awhile. I don't wanna think about it. Anathony called for my pay and IC num yst, apparently I am supposed to go get my pay like on Saturday but yeah from the looks of it .....it's going to be after raya.
I don't mind. I'm not in need for the money. I'm in it for the time. Yst went out to geylang with my superhero to go hunt for baju raya sama. My goodness the prices.....OMG...daylight..robbery can I sae daylight? Or issit nightlight? hehheeh yeah. Was introduced to his friend seluar dalam. hhahahah Don't really now y it's called underpants but ya ....my lame ass shit superhero.

With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for his track. I love his voice...sexxxxy....hahahhahaa. Before I forget. This is today's msg from superhero armin.

"As I lie facing the star thoughts of you never wandered far
Flashes of you glued in my daze
Wishing for a glimpse of your face
It was just yesterday
When we Joked and laughed
But so what?
I just can't seem to get enough
Just want to tell you a secret of mine
I've been missing you the moment I turn my behind"

Love
your roti renjis

Tiredness beginning to seep through my bones

2005-10-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

I hate work. I hate fucking anthony. Piss me off. Big Bully. Asshole. Guess what Mr. I will prove you wrong. Men. Do they always feel threathened that women will domain and overtake their powers? Am I too smart and a fast learner till he have to resort to that? Want to fire me. Go ahead I take the dare. Fucking Bastard. People fasting you know. I really pity my cousin Sha. If he's angry at me or don't like the way I work...Why not you do the talking? Why make my cousin the scapegoat? Haven she suffered enough. Asshole. I wish I have a spear or a fishing gear that I can hook him up and feed to the Pan Pacific Ocean SHARKS! Chee BYE.

Besides that on Friday, the Girls Night Out was a success. Ira turned up late. Idiot. Met Durrah and we instantly communicate. I love these girls. They are my laughing machine. Kecoh BANGAT! hahahahaa. I think the whole Toa Payoh Banquet could hear my outragoues laughter. Ira updated me on the Indian stalker. Macam siak. hahahahhaa coool stuff ar girl. You have the greatest admirer of all time. How did you captivate him ar...right from India. hahhahahaa Joke of the year. We shared our whines and sighs of what's happening to our life such a pity Syidah couldn't turn up coz of some meeting. *psst* Check these pics out . Courtesy of Ira.

Saturday I met my superhero at 2.40ish am. Can you believe it. AM. You got that right. I am still sacrificing all the time in the world for him. Darling I wish I didn't plan my life 5 years down the road w/o no one. I didn't know all these is going to happen. All the more I will love you more than that. Come what may. If god wants to test us this way. Be it I'm up for the challenge. Right now my gutt feeling is screaming at me again. I've got a strange feeling that he is. Sha showed me the sms that he gave her. Immeadiately I melted. What can I do w/o you my superhero. I have no regrets picking up myself and leave everything behind to start anew. I have no regrets AT ALL. Thank you my superhero....truly this is one angel..my angel sent from above. Amin.

My special Mornings

2005-10-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

My goodness. This is the upteen time I yawned..BIG. hur hur hur.
Mornings will never be the same again. Each time I'm in the train when I received his sms's that he gave me without fail.... surprsingly make my day and kept me going. No words can describe what I feel for you.

Fuck Nurin. Fuck em . Fuck em all. I am in my own world. A world of us. Where karma is plays a bigger role in our lives. Yst Had spent a wonderful time with my superhero on his bdae yesterday. More surprises install for him this week but yeah darling yesterday was just a glimpse of it. The butterfly my goodness I can't help it but laugh. I didn't know men are actually afraid of insects. Prolly you're the first darling. Hur Hur Hur. I've been beginning to appreciate our love nest times more than anything else. I am making a difference in my life by not wanting to listen to my highs. A promise kept ...not broken. Trust me that was the last meat I tasted too. Enough is enough. I love you my superhero. You showed me the real side of me. My weakness you altered patiently.

Tomorrow...marks a special day for me. Girls night out yay! Durrah me ira and syidah. The crappy girls. How can I not forget em. I miss all of em. I got so many things to update them. So many...I want to tell em about *ahem. I want to tell about everything! I MISS MY FRIENDS...which brings me to a point. I need to get card raya for someone special. *grins* yeah\m/. This Tuesday would mark my first FYPJ presentation. Nothing much just static UI and a bit of coding. Ermz. Right Yan.

With that I would like to end today's entry with an sms that my superhero gave me this morning. If this continues I need to keep a diary of all the phrases that he sent. hehhee another romantic asshole in the making. Love ya.

"Never will I imagine living without you
Never will I imagine living without you laughing at me
Never will I imagine living without your smile
And Never ever will I imagine hurting you"

Diss Me. Piss Me. Enough Said. I still rock

2005-10-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

I had an enjoyable Sunday. The off day i took was worth more then any gold or gem.
The wind. The songs we sang ermz..or rather I sang or he sang to Ode to my family...haha and yeah the memories...all hidden kept inside of me...Visited Julie yst at her work place. She was like " So you're the roti renjis.." hmmm.. Naughty girl. Yes my dear friend he is. Calling Roti renjis..this is kuah kari over *pssh*. The jokes. The blushing moments. The promises that he make. I am me..I'm back irfan. You're sister is back. No more staring into mid air. No more dissapointment buried deep inside of her. No more.

You who make me move on.
You who said sacrifice that feeling you have yan
You who critize me and said that my future bf will be 3rice the worse den you are
You who make me said I'll report you for harresment.
You who guiltily said that I hated you all these while.
Trust me diss me. Piss me . Enough said I still rock.

To think that my superhero too have a smiliar history. Is this my calling god? Is this what I prayed for. Definately...Superduper positive about it. No wonder...before I met him I had the worse gut feeling ever that something's gonna happen and true enough. Though it keeps on screaming at me to let me know more...I kept silent . I waited and watched with my eagle eyes and learn. I don't mind his dressing. I don't his music. I don't mind his lifestyle. I love the man who caught my attention . He who encouraged and give me the strength to get up and prove all of them wrong. He who respected me eventhough our "highs" are beyond redemption. And I did my dear superhero I did it so well...that it shocked everyone around us. Now there's only one thing left quoted from Irfan...
" To turn away..and learn how to fly properly w/o making the old mistakes again. "I am not making the same old mistakes again..of that I'm sure. 100% sure. For the first time in my life I get to feel free and comfortability in a person. Without fearing the thought if I did this ...would it be ok. Or if I said this will we fight.

With that I would like to end today's entry with quote from my superhero.
" I was there for you when no one in the world was. I am still here for you if no one in the world was and I will always be here for you if no one in the world was."
hMMM..darling where did you get my poetic juices from? Simliar hobby . Simliar birthmarks. Your fingers fits perfectly in same height....what else is similar ar...My alter ego. My superhero.

Ode to my family

2005-10-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Understand the things I say, don't turn away from me,
'Cause I've spent half my life out there, you wouldn't disagree.
Do you see me? Do you see? Do you like me?
Do you like me standing there? Do you notice?
Do you know? Do you see me? Do you see me?
Does anyone care?

Unhappiness where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun and take it if we can.
My mother, my mother,
He hold me, He hold me, when I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me. Does anyone care?

Understand what I've become, it wasn't my design.
And people ev'rywhere think, something better than I am.
But I miss you, I miss, 'cause I liked it,
'Cause I liked it, when I was out there. Do you know this?
Do you know you did not find me. You did not find.
Does anyone care?

Unhappiness where's when I was young,
And we didn't give a damn,
'Cause we were raised,
To see life as fun and take it if we can.
My mother, my mother,
He hold me, he hold me, when I was out there.
My father, my father,
He liked me, oh, he liked me.

Does anyone care?... [X9]
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo...

Ibu, ayah..I seek your permintaan.. He was there for me when no one in the world was. He believed in me and gave me strength to move on. He loves me Ibu, ayah..He loves me for the first time our eyes met. It's my decision Ibu Ayah. I love what fate and time did to us and I will always reminisce how we meet.
Being with you was a choice but meeting you was a blessing sent from above. I love you my superhero.

A superhero saved me

2005-10-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

Yes you saw that right. A mysterious superhero. Surprise2...I shall put it to that. I wouldn't want all the publicity in the world .....All I can say is thank you sha for being the middle person. I love you to bits.I love wadever is happening now. Really I do. It's been a long time since I get to smile and laugh like I did before 3 months ago. My gutt feeling could be wrong or right..or wrong or right..or...arghh!!! to hell with it. Anything to take my mind off things. I don't wanna past repeats itself and again I shall keep my mouth shut. Let time tell it's tale. It's better that way.

Been reading his sms's over and over again and each time I look at it, I wonder whether how long will I fight and remain this way. Which brings me to a point today's earworm would be Pemaisuri by OAG. Nice...and happy and sweet. Thank you . It got so bad that I actually smile and smirk on the train when I hear this song.
The indian woman on the train must have thought that I'm this physco maniac who listen's to her music and smile to herself. Like I said before the feeling of elatedness has been giving me that adrealine rush and keeping me going from last week till now.

Just now's handphone incident made me wonder whether am I nuts enuff to smile from ear to ear when I heard that he's handphone line is back. I still have no idea why.
Anyways, msn has it ways of really expressing a person's feelings. If only I can share my joy with someone seriusly. My chat conversation has been intensive and come what may. My heart swims a million laps for you. *smiles*. With that I would like to end today's entry with snippets of lyrics from Pemaisuri - OAG..I only changed the pemaisuri part...lalalaa!!!

Kau raja rumahku
Kau raja ragaku
kau raja syurgaku...
yang teristemewa...
Rajaku..

On a brigther note

2005-10-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ok. FYPJ not that bad. It rocks...Contradicting eh? Haahaa been transfering files.....send song....chat chat and more chatting sessions. Especially the one with Jeremy. Hmm no comments to that. He's just pure lame ass shit. Goo Goo Gaga? Yupz...that's right...*butterflies* Anything to take my mind away off things. Currently I am attached to this song....the one u're hearing now. Switchfoot-Learning to breathe. The content explains my heart sayings. I let loose of everything and I'm still learning to fly properly. Chim rite. Good.....
When I look at the stars I really feel like myself...and when I look at the stars I see someone else.
On a brigther note....surprise2. Hot news, but I rather keep my mouth shut. The process of deflowering a person who's mentally and emotionally tired of love. It can we well...rather interesting...the feeling of elatedness..is always good for your system...gives you the adrealine rush for the day...*winks* My gutt feeling is screaming for me to know the thruth but again I rather keep my mouth shut. Even now as I'm typing...he's doing "his" thing. Whatever. Can't be bothered. I already made an oath to myself and I wish everything to remain the way it is. Exactly the way it is. I promise.

To abang syg...you will always be my good friend and an elder brother to me. I am doing what I should have done eyons...ago. I'm sorry somethings are just not within our grasp. You wish ...you wish...you wish. Stop wishing. Make it happen. If you believe that I am you're " one " and all ...sorry to dissapoint you but you have to work for it. I know it's not over. It's just the beginning . I just wanna forget everything and really do this by myself.

Meanwhile, Ibu has suggested we all go JB eat buka and then shop for raya clothings. Surprise2....hahaha yeah she changed to be a better mum. Amin. Everything just seems to fall right in it's place. My life is totally brilliant. The tension at home has cease. I've got a job w/o me wanting to. Rezeki jatuh bergolek sey. I've got my brothers to make sure I'm doing well. Sadly there's only one thing I miss. I rather keep silent about it. Loose Lips sinks ships. Lately that's been my motto.

FYPJ sucks

2005-10-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

I hate fyp. It just sucks....first time come...I don't even know my project supervisor...where to take attendance...which room...where how ...so many question yet none is answered and I tell ya I hate enigmas in my system. Fuck. Complete waste of time. Like this you hand me I do at home at my own time at my own will better fuck. Other then that, I enjoy my time with my old classmates...some ar...spent some quality time with them after my one whole week special sem holiday..WHOoooo...

Apart from that, ate tacko pachi...yummy! nice prawn balls...WITH MAYO..ARGHH! Hhaahaaa. Life is about sezing oppurtunities and if there's a better job prospect for me I'll take it. Yupz2x. Anthony called me yay! This weekend i'm working full shift for 13hrs....my poor legs...Isham where are you? My own personal massue.

I got my question oredi...I'm doing ASP.NET. Save me HUIMEI! yeah...thought of going library and so some research. They all started theirs oredi..the proposal, the poster......and my group haven even start a scratch...how? Sorry gini...sorry darren. I cabut..can't take it...go out makan with my braders better ahehhee....With that I would like to end today's short entry with anote to myself. Hopefully tomorrow is a better FYPJ day for me. Let some action happen man...I am 6 feet under dying of boredom.

Twinkling bright stars

2005-09-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

My life is brilliant. All my sacrifices are worthwile. Right let's do a recap.
Two days ago, I quited my Lido job for something moreee better. Sha my cousin offered me another at Tanglin mall...the shop is called Goddess. It's a gallery/botique shop...hahaha *smiles* It's $6 per hour...hahahaa yes ar! Luck is really on my side I tell ya. Really superduper on my side. I'm not in need of the money though...the purpose of me working is to take my mind of things and it's beginning to work. I get to view paintings of Andrew Jack that's famous for his enamel painting ...Bassolet...Gregory Pailli...Hadrayati from indonesia, Li shuang from China...I am really in touch with my oldself...Yan is totally back I tell ya.

Those who know me since sec sch will know that I am an art freak. It's back audrey...hahaha. I am now offically working in an art gallery. Thank you sha...she knows me best. When I was with him. I cut offf all the arty touch, the poetry...the paintings, the drawings, the graffities i've been doing since sec sch days... musically-inclined yan is back yay!~. It's back and 10nx to ppl like my cousin Sharifah...and rahman who have been constantly drilling advices to my head. I still remember how elated i feel to go watch plays and gigs. HAHHAA...so yeah this whole week i've been stationed to Singapore Arts Exibition at Singapore Expo ( the contemporary asian art fair) ...the job not bad..all you have to do is explain how all these underground and upcoming artise and artises paints and their speciality of their work. From monday onwards, insya'allah I will be at Tanglin Mall Goddess Art gallery. Pray for me aight ppl?

I love what i'm doing. Mintak2 I last long at this company. Sha told me full time is $1500...ahahhaaa my career is going the right path I tell ya. Monday I can't wait. I wanna start my FYP...then my IAP..and travel the whole world round to find what, paintings..hahah and meet angmoh's loads...Cool job aint it? Thank you Sha...I owe you a million thankyou's. My life is totally brilliant. I've learnt a lot of things during these whole week holiday. This is one special semester I can't forget. With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for my novel...I borrowed this book called " The languange of goodbyes" by Maribeth Fischer. Another personality/ pyscatric books to drive me to a big conclusion. For now my lips are sealed. No comments to that. Loose lips sinks ships. *smiles*

Everything in his time

2005-09-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Fate if you are a human figure, i would have said this to you right now.
You're scaring the fuck outta me"
*smiles* Lately, I've been wishing that time freezes. Everything is moving way tooo fast. Yeah. On that note..

I've changed my blogskin. Ahhee...I figured that hey..no more. Enough is enough. I've done my best to flap my wings properly and before I leave...I actually turned my back and look to the constellations to see if it's really there just to be sure and certain that I won't regret in the future...*pffsh* guess I had no luck. Goodbye to everything that I knew. Be merry with whatever is happening. Yan is picking up her courage to flap her wings and fly...freely without having that sense of dissapointment deep buried inside of her. Don't understand right...ahhaa chimology...Go figure. Too lazy ar ppl to write a summary.

Tomorrow would be my first day at work. Andy called. Yay! Bang sayang... I've always wanted this day to happen...and I can't believe it's happening. It's wayyyy to fast. I guess the one above answered my prayers...all those tears at night...I guess it didn't went to waste at all.*smiles*

Went to Cik tipah's open house today. Hakim is not there at home. Sad, how I wish he was. Can talk nonstop. My childhood friends. How I wish I can freeze time...rewind back all my childhood memories..the *ting ting candy* ARHH..the sweet taste of it metliting in your mouth...YUMMY!Running after the apek in the van is equal to that of 2.4km run. How I miss those days. I want to be a kid back. Yeah right yan. *smiles*

Then I had dinner with the whole famliy just now. Ayah has make it a point to actually bring us out for dinner on every month of his pay. He had a big huge raise, he derserve it ar. Two days ago, that chi ko pek neighbour of mine moved out. AMIN. No more nosey peeping monkeys to watch me change...F.U.R.B. Assholes. Free porn ar? Men...they can really drive you up the wall. When they love you...it's all GOO GOO GAGAGA ...they make your heart melt like never before and when they hate you...they make you feel shit and oohh boy they sure do know how to drive you up to insanity. Not all ar, some . I've met nice ones. They are realy well nice and good and yeah nice. Limited adjectives eh?

Life is pretty much back to normal. No more staring into mid-air. Thank you rahman for that talk. I owe you big time. Like I said, I'm stubborn... To tell you the thruth man...that life story about life's relevation..you shared with me about ...has been motivating me to stop my assholic attitude about love and yeah stop thinking about it too. *sighs* God has better plans for me. A good one and all I need to do is watch for the signs...and guess what man..I did. Tomorrow, i'm still watching for the signs but I guess i could be wrong. Too early to say. We'll see ar eh?

With that I would like to end today's entry with a note to myself. I miss my friends still. So many plans yet so little time. Cylcling mizah..I'm working on wed. Sms me for the details. Remember in one of my entries I wrote in a poem and a part of it says..."At every cloud has it's silver lining". A strange gut feeling been eating me up lately....it's coming close and I know it. Everything in his time..Till then tomorrow another day of relevation. Can't wait to start work tomorrow...*hmm* that strange gut feeling. Let's see it tomorrow ya shall we? Before I forget this is what I found in one of his photoalbums. Hiazz, sweet but what to do...a decision is a decison. Hope you understand bang sayang...please don't make this any harder for me.

Time of our Lives

2005-09-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Alrighty...let's do a checklist yan.

1st = BBQ...amacam heard anithg guys?
2nd = cycling..uds ifah do the planning please.
3rd = Tomorrow go out for interview. Andy I'll sms you what time I'll join you tonight but confirm I'm going.

Aheee..I really enjoyed going out with all of them today. It's been awhile since I had fun. Wonder whether andy took photos of us together. Today is my last day with my ever so farni bunch of classmates. It's a pity that we have to be seperated. I'll miss you ppl. Really I do. Firstly I would like to say my thank you for Bad ...for being there for me all the way esp during that Fri night when I broke down and cry. What are good friends for. 2nd Andy for giving me the motivation to heck about love and move on with my life. 3rd huimei, ira , syidah , Sub , Steven , jackie and Chee Siang for helping me one way or another with my projects during the 14-16 stress week and stuff my asp can't finish w/o you. 4th hamizah for washing my skirt when it stained and watching me puke when I was sick....really I do. 5th to the two couples...ismail-Julie ...ridhuan-Devy ...I still keep the video that we all took ...I'll never ever forget friends like you ppl...*cryings* 6th ifah and gang..though we're not close I really love the company of you guys around me..I mean it really...our class won't be noisy w/o you guys....and not forgetting Miss LSL for constantly tahaning our class shit. I know she won't be reading this but heck ar I just have the inspiration to write since today is the offical day of our lifes to be seprated and move on to FYP/IAP.

Did I miss anyone?..Hey err I think I do. I only have one regret right now. I'll miss bumping into you and saying our constant hello's. *smiles* Sad ar wanna cry now oredi. From today onwards life will never be the same sad ar...I'll miss my friends....I'll miss seeing him , the purpose of me going to school...hiazz...I'll miss my braders... yayat...andy..sub ..daunt and bad...ARGH!!! All those pictures will always stay in my memory ...always ..visit my photo album kkkk? ...I'll remember yayat for his nipples and his techno teacher...andy for the susu boy and the 50c tetek and his stupidity .... daunt for his endless jokes and our hangouts at the canteen...and bad the closest among all for teaching me play pool , teaching me about patience and ugama, for going to sch with me, go gym together, for constantly bugging me, for lending your pen...for the exams..for being there for me and visiting my dad with andy in hospital. I appreciate it you two...I really do. Even till today I SUCK at playing pool so yeah. I'll miss you guys so much..nak nangis siak. Ok ar with that I would like to end today's entry with a tribute to all of my friends....check out this week's earworm...Nickelback - Photograph....
Summary : It's about graduating , leaving and moving on to our next phase of our lives. Have fun singing . Nah the lyrics.

"Photograph"

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it

So hard to stay
So hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me

that's all for today don't wanna say so much...nak nangis ar.. I really miss all of you I really really do. Friends Forever people...\nn/.

She's back

2005-09-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I'm happy and proud to announce that izyan's back and I really do mean the old sec sch yan. The izyan that stand independently for herself without any men's help. Uh-uh. Now only do I realise it after that afternoon sitting down in the bus with Fuad. He's still mengatal as ever.One more time he touch my leg, I will bring a penknife and slice his throat. Can't tahan men like him. At one point or another during the conversation he'll go like..."Sini ar jangan duduk jauh2" and start to drag my thighs to his side or another catchy phrase...."sal tengok depan sini kan ader..*pointing to his face*".
Fuck! He's the last men on earth for me to be with. FLIRTY...eee buaya. Call me stereotypical but this hooligan will cease any oppurtinity he can get.

Two days ago, hadi called. I'm surprised he remembers to call back from taiwan...thoughtful but yeah save it for your girlfriend..where is she when you need her. Why turn to me? I've read it all too well..You play the game I lay out the rules.*grins*....she deserve you. Another one. Hiaz, why can't they be hakunamatata? No worries. Stop all this nonsense and breathe to ask themselves what they want. I did and I'm proud to say I'm finally happy to realise that I'm me..the old me.

Yst night, was watching some malay serial show about mencuri bayangan. I'm surprised that orang dulu2 actually have like a tradition to baca doa , siram air kelapa taruk bunga2 and stuff... nak buat perahu. I mean how cool is that. Sekarang semuanyer express...secawan kopi pun ader instant nyer. Dulu Hari raya...nak buat ketupat...semua orang kampung gotong royong tolong each other...now neighbours don't give a toot about one another and yeah there's instant ketupat too.

I can't wait for raya tahun ni. I just can't . You might think i'm sad coz this would be the first year I wouldn't celebrate it with abang wan..No you're wrong. I'm happy and anticipating so much for raya coz this would be the first raya for me to be free and independent just like to old days when I was in sec 3. Probably I'm sick of being dissapointed so much that this time round I'm in control of my fate. Not all.Most of it and It feels GOOOOD. ehehehee GOOD inc...the gorillaz. Speaking of which abang wan called me yst night and blah2. Malas nak layan. Where were you when I need you on that friday night...when I needed someone to talk to desperately. No one's there for me. I was there for myself. If so as you state your reasoning, why didn't you make sure I was ok on that Saturday morning..no one even bothered smsing me on that saturday morning to make sure I'm fine.....You thought, you think , who confirm ? Riiighht , excuses excuses....sick and tired of it. SAVE IT. I'm fine now. It's all over already. No point asking how am I now. You're too late. ^Peace no war. I already forgave you . Please do your self a favour bang. Somehow you will move one. Trust me.

Yeah that's about it. Oops Ira and Syidah shit. I'm supposed to meet them now. hahahaaa jumpa kul 11 nak belajar datang kul 12. Uh-uh this is the izyan that you ppl know kan bad kan kan? Bad lebih tahu perangai aku ...buat janji melayu...hahahaha. IZYAN'S BACK...DEFINATELY BACK.

Sweet Beginnigs

2005-09-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

Heard before of a phrase when the tough gets going it's the going that gets tough. Because of you I did what I had to. But today I can't help myself because my life's trouble eating me up. This is the updated version. Lately, I've been powered up to Staind - Right Here and yeah you guessed it right..it's this week's video earworm *grins*..Check it out it's worth your listening ear \nn/ . The lyrics are meaningful and I love it..I can really super duper relate to it. I wanted so much to lean on someone and tonight finally I realise that it's empty. No one's there for me like it used to. This life is really taking a toll one me. Im slowly surviving ...slowly taking life's daily challenges bit by bit yet today, it's so pushy that I'm forced to attempt something that I shouldn't.Sadly, No one's there its empty.

God sometimes I wish life isn't this hard for me. Not to mention i'm still sick. You were a part of me bang and that's why I called you coz I really needed someone to talk to when it should yet you were not there for me and to that someone..I understand why you did that. I'm not angry or anything actually I called you coz yeah you guessed it right I had no1 to talk to. I don't want to drown my sorrowness to my friends, I think that had about enough of it. Don't want to burden them with my problems.

Tonight is a relevation night. A night where reality hits my guts like never before and it hurts me damn much.

New beginnings, sweet arises
Come to thy for this soul screams
New beginnings, Hear thy calls
For the past , for the future
Ne'er to forget

Sweet Beginnigs come within
For the past , for the future
In time , it's too late
New beginnigs this soul evolves.. changing
Break the traditions
Break the thruth
Slap thee faithful soul of thy
To wake
To repent
To breathe
To realise
In god and faith
To flee in despair
But just no one, an empty vessel the soul awaits

New beginnigs, held by a thread
This soul believes, no , found
Every cloud has it's silver lining
Till then, hopes washed ashore
This soul clings,bruised,battered
By thruth , By reality , By GOD
This soul awaits..right here waiting.

Never Before

2005-09-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

Never before have I been this sick in my whole 3 years in Poly. Knew it was coming.
Checklist
Yst
Vommited 5x
Shitted 3x
Fevercheck 39.3

Today
Vommitted 2x
Shitted 1x
Fever 37.5

Alhamdullilah, my fever went down today. Had thoughts of not going school but then contiplated coz my ASP is not done yet. SEMANGAT BERJUANG BUAT PROJECT. Sampai sakit eh? hur hur hur. I knew it was coming coz irfan had it first. Then later isham then tadda...the virus is in me. Fought with Ibu today coz of some reasons. Pissing me off when I'm sick. I was only asking her for help. My own flesh and blood can't even help me when I'm sick. Thought so ar huh? Sometimes I wonder, was it's like to be in her shoes. Does she even give a damn about us eventhough we're sick? Enough of it ar..she's gonna make me puke more. I had enough of life itself. Today i seriusly force myself to get up and go school. Like I said before I've never been this sick in my whole 3 years in poly.

Went to polyclinic just now with Irfan, me and Isham and had a shock of my life that the clinic was damn full not to mention our numbers got separated into two rooms. Mintak ampun mak, at that point of time I was sad ar coz I really wanted someone to help me and yeah I remembered that Irwan was not with me. But Hey I am going to prove you wrong bang and I still am doing that bang. When my spririts are up to revenge I'll do it at any cost. Yeah that's all for today. When I reach school, met my braders and had my so called lunch with ira and syidah. Didn't eat much coz my throat is hurting from vomittin to much. Come to think of it, I bought that poridge for nothing. Waste my money only..$3.50 u noe and plus is my 1st food in two days. Felt like drinking bubble tea so bought Ice lychee. heee sakit-sakit pun nak makan lagi. Ate my medicine , at the spur of the moment teringat lak never bring my water bottle. How GGGGREAT! so in courtesy of hamizah's water bottle that I kapo, I successfully ate my medicine. Hiaz, one again my friends are there for me EVEN when i'm full of viruses. In class, mizah wrote down the tips for networking and wrote down my corrections for LSL revison coz I can't even lift a finger to write. 10nx ar girl I really appreciate it and I'm sorry abt yst. You've got to see me puke like that..very unsightly. Hiaz, I love you guys to bits for making me happy for being there for me in no rain or how... I really do. Kalau without friends like you people dah lama lah I can't survive and continue proving abang wan to the max. This life is really taking a toll on me but sadly there's only one wish I have now and I rather keep it to myself . I love you. And yeah before I forget nah, amik picture ni..the gila babes. HHAHAHa...sakit-sakit pun nak amik gambar. Gila yan.

Into every life

2005-09-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Out of frustration during WK 15/ WK16 stress with work amounting to my neck, I wrote another piece. As entitled above... into every life. Stress makes me go poetic. Heard of it before. Don't ask me how I get the inspiration, when I was with him I didn't even write a piece. I stopped writing..found no purpose in doing so eventhough I was madly inlove with him. Hmmm anyways due to feedbacks from my fellow girls and braders... to those who don't really understand the content..here's the summary hur hur hur?

Summary : It shows how the girl finds new hope. Now only she truly believes that the sun woke her up and prompting her of a new life. She embraces it willingly and soon all the enigma's in her subside,unleashing her trueself that she lost once. Ok, that's about it. Enough yan.Cukup hahaa. Here's the piece . Enjoy.

She looks into air, herself falling rain
Dripping coldness past, memories old pain.

Drops fall, the puddling her damp water-life.
Spiraling a mirror, self-lonely strife.

A sigh, one frown, crying soft saddened tears.
Storms of remember - through bleak yesteryear.

Clouds a-whorl, dark sky sheltering fair heart.
But how can she joy, while taking no part?

Covering cold soul, corona of defense.
Defying the stab of her fate's intents.

This is madness, she thinks in a cry.
I'm here, on the edge, of lay down and die.

What's my destiny, but an empty-off dream?
A plaything with which gods and angels scheme.

Am I doomed then to live, time never-free?
Submerged wholly beneath life's scattered debris?

Is justice, outside this torrential doubt?
Perhaps more than sorrow, painful fall-out?

Is love, perhaps, just a sliver of sun?
Shining through mists, revealing none?

Personal paradise, which I can own,
Evoking happiness, hither unknown?

She raises from streets of lonely no more.
Light slicing through darkness, hopes washed ashore.

Her withered waitings now straightening with pride.
She glides like an angel across future's tide.

Belief in life renewed, no, only found.
Footsteps echoing, a dark, lonely, sound.

Caressing the ground, sing the beat of her heart.
Into the sun seeking love's, a brand new start.

So...Freedom!

2005-08-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

Here I am blogging in layanoard tay's lesson. This is the updated version. The entry before this is really not that nice ar to publish due to certain circumstances. Apologies to those who have been a constant fan of mine to read my entries. Sorry friends. I won't do it again. I'm weak thank you it's a compliment. I'm gonna have a quiz on LSL lesson on thrusday and i'm not going to study for it. Lazy.

The tiredness is slooooowwwlly seeping through my bones and nerves. Isham where are you kak nak massage. My own personal massue. I love my family. They always bring me down to reality. On that note, things at home are getting better. We ate dinner at bedok market on a sunday night, with nurul...I love you girl. Another source of motivation. Without these friends, I think I resort to sucidal long long long long time ago. They teach me, advise me , remind me, slap me even with reality and I love them to bits. If only I get appreciated for every poem I write or rather money, was having thoughts about getting all of them published, but how ya? Sorry friends, once again yan is weak. Emotionally weak, she loves writing about her feelings yet time and time again she gets dissapointed. People are subjected to different opinions and I love the fact that I'm free and I get to break all chains...ALL OF THEM.

Yeah, yesterday I'm offically dead coz my citect can't connect to the database. Mark Lim blew Bad's top. Poor bad. This brader of mine ar, easily get pissed. Lucky I was there to hold you down. Hmm, changes need time brader. Time.
When I was on the way going back home, Andy decided to take Mr Siva's picture and publish it for his Flash assignment and guess what did Mr Siva said after taking his picture?
" Is my moustache ok?". My god andy I swear when I lauged i didn't see Mr Siva at the corner of my eye. LOL! Thank goodness I have you andy to pick me up from the floor or else I will end up rolling on the floor LAUGHING.

Bury me please. Today's LSL presentation and I still haven touch up yet, techno 1st priority now. Work is pilling up to my neck ..I love it really I do ...it takes my mind of things. With that I would like to end today's entry with a note.
Somehow I'll meet the one. I know it and I feel it. For now i'm rewriting an ending that fits. I never thought singlehood could be this fun. Freedom ..sweet sweet freedom. *smiles*

I never did

2005-08-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

I never did come around to tell you
How much your worth
How much each time I see you my heart
Skips a beat

I never did come around to show you
The thruth in me
The sweet embraces still lingers
The never forgotten song plays melodiously in my state of mind
The times we had
The jokes we shared
The silly acts that passed

I never did come around to help you
see that the past murders me so
The present god I wish I would know
The future with you is all that I see
The sorry's we've broken loose
Your sweet kisses sadly It still flows

I never did come around to let you know
that I wanna wake up every morning to see your sweet face
And in no rain or how...I will let you go
And in your heart--I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart,I know how much you miss me
And in your eyes I can still see the look who wouldn't put anything
else in the world above me
And in here silently.. i'm keeping you forever and for always

I love you for the man you are today
I love you for the man who helped me
I love you for a million other reasons
And in thruth shall I hide no more
Other than encrypting these 3 words...I love you

Ps: *I'm sorry about what I say. But I can't possibly let you go..even if you challenge me... I can't do it..slap me again ira plz plz slap me..wake me up from this madness of infactuation for him...please?*

Gimme a slap in the face again Ira

2005-08-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

No One There

The axe, the bottle, and the rope
The feeling there really is no more hope
The thought of the great unknown
And facing it alone
The dark, the silent, and the cold
The feeling I have come to the end of my road
Yes these are the things I spend my remaining moments with

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Why did it have to be so hard
For us to live our lives
Again I reach out in the dark in despair

The desperation and the snow
The feeling of finally coming back home
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Your love for me, my love for you
Things we somehow managed to lose
Now there's only the ruthless wind
To blow right through
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
To think we both will die alone

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

All hell breaks loose

2005-08-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

YEAH! That's right. ...Another sucidal note?...NOT!Moveover..I happy being the way I am now. Abg the reason why i'm not responding is because...we're over..simple as that and I can tell ya it feels damn good to be free..smelling the sweet scent of singlehood up in your veins . No more getting worried by each word I say will cause you to get angry..no more crying over our fights..No more waiting for you to come back home and have our late nights talks..No more!Im enjoying it ar.To that someone from the past...I'm sorry but I've got to draw a fine line between my feelings and you. You have enough troubles of you're own...dunch wanna complicate things and rush your thoughts up. I really respect your decision...and yeah i'm neutral about you..no hates ...no hard feelings this time round. Help yourself 1st ok...you got enuff troubles of your own and as a friend I can only help give advices.

All hell breaks loose. You never thought that I could do it on my own right abang I did it..You never thought I could break ya... I did it...YES arh!...my only regretful mistake or rather my dissapointment is that I could not share my joy of getting over you with someone. But hey, always look on the bright side of life. If i'm destined to be the way I am now...I shall always be...And abang like I said I am still doing this by myself and there's nobody on my mind...no1 yup you got that right...remember what I told ya? I'm dress to kill yet no one can touch me. You betcha I gonna do just that. So just watch ya? Call me whatever names you have in mind but trust me sooner or later those words are slowly eating you up. Me hating you...nah...I'm neutral about us...I'm just giving you a taste of your sweet venom medicine...hahahhaha!

Apart from that, citect lesson just now was a killer. I pitied andy, one of my braders. Like I said to someone before...good friends are hard to comeby and andy my only piece of advise to you is that sometimes these people they may not know what friendships maybe...they just leave you like that coz probably they seem to forget that good friends are those who would cry and go through thick and thin with ya. Being friends for a long time doesn't mean a thing, being a friend who goes through shit with you eventhough it's for a shortwhile..IS SOMETHING. Cheer up ya? They are not worth your tears..next time do the thing with me and bad I ensure you ...you won't be the way you are now. Yeah...

With that I would like to end today's entry with a note to myself. Family , Career and Friends yan..they are three jigsaw puzzles that colours your life. My family ties me down with reality....My career is definately going up in the right path ( with the projects and stuff..mintak ampun mak!)..NIE here i come and yeah finally my friends...I love you guys ....never did i thought I would say this but what CAN I DO WITHOUT FRIENDS AND BRADERS LIKE YOU People....sadly the last gigsaw puzzle is yet to be unraveled. Amin.
ooh yeah before I forget...my class babes at kak julie's wedding..what can I do w/o em...*smiles*

"Going Crazy"

2005-08-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)

Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
Cuz the feeling that I feel within
No other man would ever make me feel so right
Its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me, right next to me
I miss the way you hold me tight

[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything

[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me I'm in love with you baby

Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you its been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat
Every time we speak, I can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me and you want me and you miss me
And you love me I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you I'll put it down be the woman for you

I'm falling so deep for you crazy over for you
I`m calling, calling out to you what am I going to do?
It's true, no fronting
Its you and no other i can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)

[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything

[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me I'm in love with you baby

This goes out to you know who you are...I'm dumb n gila yes definately.

Could Have...Should Have...But I don't want to

2005-08-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

If i can get my head shove up the dustbin, I can get a bangla cleaner to check me out. How cool is that? hahaha ok I just simply love my braders. They are damn farni...seriusly. It happened on one of those days when I get bullied 24/7 , like what's new right? So, two days ago I was chasing Andy around LTN fountain area....coz of some reason I couldn't remember...in the end he ran around the pillar and at the spur of the momement I did the "Bole Cho Di Diya" dance....hahhahah damn farking hilarious....not knowing the bangla cleaner was at the top checkin ME out. hahahahahahahah...i tink bad and andy laughed at the fact that the bangla man is interested in me and looking at me one kind....
Eh braders...I ain't gonna marry one bangla guy k....even if they lick their toungues with their mouths. I ain't GONNA DO THAT! haahahhaa

My friends make me happy. My family tie me down to reality and to that someone from my past figure.....I'm sincere in helping you. But before history repeats itself, I'm going to do some fixing up and when the tension cease...you might never know when I'm going to say it. I have a 1000 different things to say to you but yet time always don't permit me to do so. Only now do I realise, after wan's-oh-so-shocking-news...I finally realise that you are something. It's not easy to get someone like you anymore. Yeah. But then again, it's already in god's whole plan..and probably i'm too late...to think that so many of them were hurt because of us. You suck ar yan. I can just sit and watch from far...drift in my own wan's memories...I can't wait for the day when I can finally say it's over, I've gotten over him. Trust me this time round it's gonna be all different. I am in control of my own fate. No more trusting, no more waiting...no more.

I'm feeling so damn good that i'm certain of my own feelings this time round...though it comes with a price I know it's worth it. You are worth it , trust me. With that I would like to dedicate this week's earworm to a someone from my past figure. Happy watching...the lyrics says it all.

Three words

2005-08-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

Im sorry abang
A word of subtility
Little of importance yet more
More of a meaning then from these
Three words.

I looked upon the horizon and pray
That someday you and Ill meet again.
Im sorry abang
For the tears in your eyes
That burns and hungers for us
Once again.

Hope
Beyond any reasonable doubt
A mind made up ,
A heart filled more afterly with our dreams
Little of patience but yet more
More of our memories standing still
In this perfect mind of mine
Our sweet sweet memories abang
None to forget.

Once again
I fall falling of the edge
Beyond any recognition
Beyond any redemption.
I pray to the almighty that
This heart
This dream
This memories
This ties and bonds that weve made
Stay still and finally when tension cease

Our perfect life
No more
Independently I stand
Strong for myself and proudly
I say, "Hurt no more"
Till then

Alone
No more nights of waitings
No more nights of tears
No more nights of pain
No more nights of arguments
No more
I stand alone in this perfect dream

Drifting
Sailing passby phantom shippers
Simialar of fate, anchoring their hopes
Anchoring each dream and finally when
The tension cease

We believed that
All that ends
All that hurt ends
All that ties , bonds, broken and mended
All that changed ,adapted.
All that nights of pain, tears and arguments freezes.
We believe
I believe
All that is happening a blessing in disguise
Im sorry abang
Praying for the best for us
These words that cling to my chest
With these three words
Time will tell its tale
These three words
Amin.

Love.....MY ASS! Bullshit

2005-08-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

hahaa yeah dats right you saw it perfectly clear....it's not about abang syg..nor does it gotta do with love. A perfect dream no more. Lately i've been wishing I have no feelings. Gone were the days when I lay back on my sofa and worried myself sick about his wherebeings. Gone were the days when I miss called his mobile phone just to make up on our fights. Gone were the days when we make each other cry and guess what that word still rings in my head my dear friend. " Look who can't live without whom..." Thought I would forget it...sorry my dear abang..you're wrong. If i were to write a sucidal note to you, I would write just this ..."I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU for making me feel sick...sick of tormenting my ownself...sick of making u feel alright when you heck about mine..sick of feeling guilty or afraid that each word I say will cause you to get mad".

No more. Love my ass...hahaha bullshit. Till then, I will wait patiently till the tension cease down...till everything is clear and I promise this time round it would be on my own. I want to be that way..Leave me alone.. I doubt you're returning unless you have a better comeback or reason. I doubt ...I truly truly doubt.

You know what, it scares me alot to think that once upon a time I nearly just abit wee closer to say yes to you..so much for the one huh..u seem to forget that I want a man who's husband oriented and yeah.....u really blew it my dear abang u really do.

Apart from that yesterday's gig was fun fun fun..head banging \nn/....had a little flashback to a part of my past a year ago....those were the days...To think that so many of them were hurt because of us...hiazz...u suck ar yan *smiles * Other then that, during techno lecture.. heard a story about a famous franchise restaurant. Ok, here goes...

One fine day there was this guy name yayat...aka Nur hidayat.. During technopernuship lecture, the lecturer lovvves and adores to call him because in that room, there was no other name that the lecturer knows and not to mention he is the noisiest among us..so prominent hahah hiazz anyways.....so lesson 1...the lecturer nickedname him...MACdayat coz the topic was about franchising and macdonald's is one of them and he associtae this yayat guy to be the future franchising outlet and decied to name it MACdayat .....the following week,lesson 2 the lecturer nickedname him wak satay...coz he was talking about selling satay abroad and whether the westerniers would want to buy them....

How cool is that...a Macdayat that sells satay .....not mentioning that the boss yayat has big chest...TETEK BESAR ..stim ar..hahahhaha ..

GUESS WAD YAYAt..that was for nearly shoving up my head into the dustbin yesterday ...WAD A GOOD fren I have....lalala TETEK BESAR TETEK BESAR....nippleman..shake that thing...shakalaka shake that thing...amek kau yayat. *GRINS * hahahahA

Time O' Sweet hours

2005-08-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

1st of all Networking suxs. I had written an entry during networking lesson but decided to save it as a draft. I'm trying my best to get him out of my system. It's best I did that. To my dear frens 10q all for like being there for me and pouring your endless words of comforts and encouragement. Thank you once again. I learnt , you lose a thing, u gain something in return. In this case, I lose him and gain friendships that truly makes me think twice.

He called just now and no matter how much I tried to get the message across, he still didn't get it. He thinks I'm finding a purpose to fight with him. I'm not! It's a fact. I dah sedar bang when its urs? We changed and yesterday's conversation shows and proves it all. After putting down the phone, I stare into mid-air and ask myself " what's happening to you yan?..What's happening to us? ". I really do not have any topics to talk to you about nor did I have a hidden agenda. Those days a simple joke which you tell within 5 mins can make me happy the whole day. It's already been proven...Right andy? I'll laugh lk hell. :)....Where is the love?? hiazz..

Please please just get out of my system. I want to do this alone ...too many people have been hurt because of us. This phrase is becoming my anthem. With that I would like to end today's entry with an sms that primela my dearest junior sent me just a minute ago..

" In life, God didn't sent you the people you want, instead he gives you the people you need, to teach you, to hurt you, to love you and to make you exactly the way you should be".
My dear girl, this is so true. You lose it, you gain something in return and reflectively, gain loads of friendships that probably could last in a long run. Amin.

I'm free

2005-07-28T23:39:00.000-07:00

As the title says so...I'm free at last. Free from this feeling of uncertaintity or doubts that we will hurt one another. Free from falling off the edge...free from missing him till it drives me insane or right down to worrying about anything dat could make us cry.

I'm not going to regret anything at all. Infact..a change of heart is perfect for now. But till then I will wait for the moment when everything is clear..when I have really finally let go and drift away from my perfect dream. I finally knock some sense into my head. I should thank my buddies, wan dauntey, sub and bad for having that talk with me...It's worth a thought guys and I finally realised my mistake. What will I do w/o friends like them.

No use pointing a finger at anyone. Our love, the one I thought is perfect isn't as perfect at all anymore. Remember this bang, the only constant in life is change as sadly enough our relationship is build based on just that. We changed...You and I. Time O' sweet hours. Never did I thought the very word that causes my post- miss-abang- fever is the very same word that will hurt me.

Till then , I will safekeep our sweet sweet memories and our perfect dream. I'm sorry I'm sorry bang ...I'm not so sure if you are the one anymore. Sub, you're right I deserve someone better..and with the grace of god...maybe just maybe ...he will come and save me. Please help me get over this alone. I don't want to cause any more hurt to anyone because of us. Amin.

Listen ...Listen well

2005-07-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so inlove with this week's song. Dormlife - The saddest girl to ever hold a martini. The lyrics are beautttiiful & sweet .. but sadly I can't get hold of it and publish it here. So yeah trust your ears to get all sharpy and all . Listen it well. Worth to go check out this band at purevolume. \nn/

Anyway's ...this week been ok I guess. I had miss-abang-fever on Thurs during night class and I tink my classmate, Ridhuan saw my tears and he said u crying. How can I deny my heart when it's urs? I'll always remember this phrase bang syg. And what's worst I miss you badly. I need to feel your tender kisses..your uplifting phrases...your constant nagging...your care n concern for izzati..your voice and how croacky you sound in the morning when I call.
There may be a 1000 different men out there who can be more cutter or RATHER better then you are but trust me, they will nvr be you or rather replace the ups and downs , the memories that we went through. Time..a word of subtlity but worth a 1000 meanings.
Hiazz, where forth art thou muar romeoano. Where are you when I need you syg? I miss you.

I want to share and tell the tale of what happen to me and IT3741 miniproject, I want to lie next to you and hear you breathing and whisper sweet nothings to me. I want you to tell me your day and me likewise...I want to kiss your forehead and hear you wine and sigs of ur aches and pains at your body..I wish I'm there to make sure you've eaten..to make sure your undies and pants are not creased and washed. I want to make sure your cuticles are not torn and your hands are not rough...hiazzz Time O' sweet hours...
" The way I feel it's all because of you...and the reason for living is multiplied by two..so angel please take my breath away...for the 13th time will you be mine"
Just like the song ....it says it all. Hiazz....Saturday another dose of romance..a getaway from our realities , our hectic lives and hail to our fantasies,dreams and with fate our promises bang ...our sweet sweet dream.
I love you bang sayang. There's no other like you. With that I would like to end today's entry and head on for net and surf for Dormlife lyrics...I have to get it ...I have to...I want to surprise him with another poem..Find ilham brader ilham..Nitey nite.

Fun Fun Fun

2005-07-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!Yes ar...another perfect weekend. I feel like i'm back to my primary school days. I'll always remember the days when I'll anticipate for weekends coz usually when it comes, my saturdays and sundays will be filled with family outings.

Gig WAS gerek!!! MOST of the bands playing at THE ARENA was ok...Two thumbs up stayed there all the way till about 5ish...sayang ar, when CHILLOUT STAGE nyer turn to start...it drizzled. Hiaz wad a luck but aniwae..it could have been more gereking...probably next year ar. Yeah.

After that me, farn , nurul and babang syg head on to lucky plaza...yummy. Standard ar no food no outing. KkkAAA...and suprisingly...with a grace of god, I saw someone which I rather avoid my whole life...AND guess what he's with another girl. Isk expected de larh. Typical for a Mat bola like him to get a girl so fast. Ya...

Then there's the camwhoring session. Gerek...main tag...babang syg piggyback me...lalala...all those stupid things we do..like goleking on the grass..play chee ko pak...merepek siak...make me laugh and smile myself to sleep. Nurul my girl is nice getting to know ya...hope ya last long with Farn my ever dearest brother. Take care of him well. He's a nice guy...worth your time to actually give a second look. haahahhaha 2nd look oni eh farn 1st look tak ya kira...Ice bock man..hahah berak cari ice bok...Stupid dumb ass irfan. My adik kesayangan.

Took a cab home rush like hell coz I received an urgent news at home, in the end it didn't turn out that urgent ya. To wrap things up , I had fun knowing my brother's gf...spending time like we use to bang ..going gigs, make a fool outta self in public..laugh like nobody's business..kacau budak kecik..OHH yan u have a life...It's back !! yay...if only weekdays are saturdays everyday. WOULDN'T IT BE NICE @@...Till then muar romeoano...I love only thee. *Muacks*

A splitting Headache

2005-07-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Die maati. Headache to the max. If only he understands that tomorrow I really wanna go with my brother but he's unwilling to tag along. I don't understand why. Funny, and I thought he's an idealistic patner. Entah ar kadang pikirkan dissapointed jugak. There's no point stating a fact. A dog will always lick the bone twice to gets it's taste, so yeah he won't understand. Dissapointed yupz...definately, and I thought he would support my decision.

Been doing flash from 11am till now. Sounds Crazy? hahha yeah I have to start on it ar. If not no time for tomorrow's gig. Yes ar....at last. I'm not too sure of what is going to happen tomorrow but come what may...I'm going....if you read this my decision is final. I'm going.

In this weeks' earworm...I can really relate to the lyrics coz I understand how she feels in that song....hiazz. Check out this week's earworm, it's worth your listening ear. Skipped techno's lecture for my flash assignment so far not bad. Laterwards need to check whether my cisco is fully done. Hiaz, work is piling up and sometimes I wish time would stop , you know just to let me catch my breath before new comings begin.

Yeah. With that I would like to end today's entry with a note. Sunday I'm going to bake Swiss Kaya roll....Kaiping...here I come!!! Don't ya worry about Clarence. Probably it's oredi in god's plan that it happened and one fine day my girl you're gonna know. All in his time , it's oredi god's will. And before I head off for bed, my dear friend...these lryics are for you. Listen and understand it well. Take care girl , he's not worth your life. Nitey night.

[Verse 1:]
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

[Verse 2:]
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Then the moment
I look at you

It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

Merry-go-round

2005-07-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Yupz. I so hate my comp now...stupid machine. It always gets reformatted when I'm lk needing it for my farking assignments. Pissed...OHH yes I am. The whole day actually. For a start, I am late today for LEESL class and it's coz of the damn bus. I wish my dad would send me throughout the whole journey. So got counselled by her. hahhaa...how cool is that...so yeah. Then lunch I had a post-miss-abang-fever.
I miss him truly madly deeply. After hearing his voice tonight, it wasn't that bad. When it rained this afternoon I heard myself sighing..and unfortunately hamizah heard my sighs...eeee...malunyer, got red handed missing your sayang.

So, got back tried to install Flash in my damn comp yang dah haprak ni. Cd in the program not working....grrrr wad worse can happen to me sia? In the end got Ben to send the program to me over MSN and from there save it in my thumbdrive..so WHATEVER happens I got sth to backup on. Like that wasn't the worse, babang sayang did a tempelate for me before he went in so yeah, and then when I tried doing it....the symbol tak ader...hiazzz....

Tonight, like I mention above...everything's just not in perfect order. I'm not expecting a good life either..not to mention my tummy's been making a lot of nonense. *Sighs* Where are u my love, I've read your testimonial over and over again and it makes me feel I dunoo.....glad that finally I found you. Yeah soon enough we shall be together, soon . Till then with endurence, from thy juliet to thee romeo....
time will tell it's tale.

hmm...yummy

2005-07-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

yay yay...sat...dat means..*grins* Yupz Right now as I'm blogging I'm eating the new smarties bar. hmmmmm , sedap. Somethings never change. My food cravings are getting worse each day and I'm worse den a pregnant woman. Yst afternoon can't tahan I gt andy to tag along with me during Lab and head on to the canteen to makan onion rings. See, told ya.. food glorious food.

Today, I plan to work on my Flash assignment kan rumah babang. Another date wasted but then again, meeting him for a short while today pun jaadi ar even if it means of wasting a date for my assigment...what to do work is piling. Yst during break , discussed about my techno project. Then soon after, next week on wed another discussion. Yan think yan...think. Don't slack . Monday Die...CITECT belum pun habis....screwed...screwed to the max ar mampus. Monday kena submit...only the cylinder is working. Hiaz, Life is sooo different w/o u babang. If only ...bang if only you can help me. BOhooOO...

Just when I need you bang. It's like I have to do everything on my own...and even small things like printing my own notes sometimes makes me cry COZ YOOU USE TO DO THAT FOR ME. arghhhh... who am I kidding? you even cut my nails for me...the only thing that's constant in life is change and i'm slowly adapting to it. I miss you bang ..I miss you like crazy. I love it when your hands fit pefectly in mine. I love it when we snuggle and the warmth of your skin tingles mine. Hiaz... time O ' sweet hours. Till then, thy juliet shall wait for thee. hahhahaha yan dah start dah ...dah start poetic language dier. Another Sat..a getaway from reality. Another dose of romance and of course...chains of unerased memories. Till then , thy juliet...ends today's entry with a saying
"For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt."
I love you babang syg...I love only thee.

Afrodisiac

2005-07-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Argh!! Ok chill yan. Yupz it's Sat again and that means....ITS ANOTHER PEFECT WEEKEND. Ibu..Oh Ibu...I nak khawin Ibu..arghh!! kekek again apologies for those who happen to read my blog for today. Hold back that vomit in your throats, kakaka And any point of time if you feel sick reading today's entry about him and me or for that matter..any entries ...don't puke yet , this is just the beginning. Who says my blog isn't one of those explicit content? kaka Guess what it is.

Anyways, yst night I can't slp. He's like a drug to me, my own personal AFRODISIAC. Its been 3 days of sleepless nights. Don't ask me why..I will tell you. When I told him, he made fun of me. Hmrp...tak baik sey. Anyways, babang reach my house today at around 2++. He hang out here till 4ish and me, farn, izzati and him head for KFC. Yummy, such a pity we didn't do a camwhoring session. Soon after that, we walked around TM and out of impulsiveness I bought izzati a colouring book. Naughty hands, you have yan. * grinz*

Got back home around 7ish and he and I layed down on my sofa and just SLACK. Yupz no strings attached. Hiaz, though there was no sea breeze, normal house fan also can ar. Kwang..kwang.. so yeah All those sweet sweet promises. I just wrote for him a meaningful testimonial as a surprise..hope he accept it . Tonight all I seek from the almighty is us. I prayed for our hapiness babang and I will continue to do so as long as I live. I love you Md Noor Irwan Subehan. There's no other men for me. It has always been you. Reminiscing our 1st date, our first conversation, our 1st official breakup, the jokes , the fights, our plans.... your promise and mine..all in his time. Amin.

Save me

2005-06-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

I just had a shitified day and what's worst babang syg it's angry with me.

Don't ask me why or what happened to my day...It's just shit. Save me babang syg. Where are you when I need you the most? Where are you when I need you the most?

These whole 2 days been like feeling jaded. Yes I admit I nearly broke down and cry . God knows how miserable I am for today's night class. I can't even think straight. Asp test was indeed hard..BUT i managed to get the placings of codes right? I didn't get my hopes high when I sent in my test answers or whatsoever knowing that my programming grades are always sulky. Didn't expect much ar.
So, like any other normal test...sent in don't care about the grades. Now, the goreng part...after sending it Mr Lim will go through it one by one with us to spot our mistake. After it's my turn he said this sentence that really made an impact on me.."izyan your capabale of performing better". Fark. All those silly mistakes, I know how to do it..But there was not enough time for me to debug and change the variables. Cubaan yan..cubaan.
Like that wasn't enough, when I got back home. I wanted to scan in my mind map for 2morrow submission of assignment and guess what? My scanner's not working. The cable spoil . DOUBLE FARK. My day can't get any worse then these.

WHERE ARE U MY LOVE? I wish you're here babang. I need to yak in your ears and cry on the phone when I have problems. I need you to listen to my sorrows and give uplifting phrases to encourage me once again. I need you desperately. I'm sorry for being a creep. These whole week I haven been allocating time for you to talk to me. WHen you call ader je yang nak kena buat. I'm sorry. God is really testing me this whole week. I am so helpless. How I wish I can rewind back the hands of time, when you and I are still in school...I'm so pampered by him. Ya allah, please give me the strength to pick myself up and prove to myslef that I can make it trough the rain with or w/o him. My only one, my saviour. With that I would like to end today's entry with a note. Money and gifts can't buy true love. Amin

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

These words are all for you

2005-06-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

This whole week I've been waiting for you, my love. keke so SHAKESPEAR-ish.
My life is incomplete w/o u. Anyways, I think some things never change.
Looks like the mysterious phone calls that my mum is making is becoming more ermz how should I put this....ABVIOUS.

Hiaz, sounds like another hutang. Seriusly if this goes on I think we are going to sell our house. Serious. I told my dad this and he said don't worry but you guys won't have any money for marriage. WTF. Only now did I know that my dad's been investing money on our marriage. HAHAHAHA *winks* plus points for u babang wan. kakakaka...Dengar tu??How sweet of him right? But then my mum have to go and spoil it. Angry? oOoh yesh...I am. I don't know ...isk I just have this gutt feeling that we're going to sell our house coz of my mum. She has too many debts ...and not to mention giving away "free" money to men that she supposingly called "love"?. KAKAKA..bullshit.Which men would want you? Your a mother of 4? With an eldest daugther at the age of 20? Dah cukup umur nak tunang pun. I bet when u're my age, ure already dating so many men. NI arh aku tooo faithful 3..tiga je, ni arh satu² nyer kesayangan aku...haha babang wan. *muacks*

With that I would like to end today's entry with uplifting phrases..kaka.
I swear upon god, i'll never be the mother that she is today. Never. That's why it's important to marry someone whom you know you love dearly not someone who has stability and can take care of you....ermz sounds phlisophical? yeah thought so. But it's a fact ok? RIGHT YAN.

I'd die for..Only you

2005-06-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Yes yes. My purrrfect weekend. His mum cooked nasi ayam...yummy just for me. I love my life, our life bang. After sending u again today, As usual I feel shitified. I try to hold back the tears though I know it's quite impossible whenever I stare at you.

I bought your Corrine's May cd out of being in a state of emo. I love her song suberp. I give 5 popcorns. She sounded unlike someone with a local talent. Suppport local artise& artises, they are worth your money. SOME ar.

I'll always anticipate my weekends, always. And yes he piggyback-ed me on the stairs. ARGHHH! Sweet old memories not one to be erased. With you, my future's all not a waste. Tonight these words are for you bang. As guessed it's entitled "SAVE ME" by Corrine May ( As heard from Chase soundtrack ) . I'd die for...Only you. *muacks*

I drift I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like putty in your hands

I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a rollercoaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who I am
Just take my hand and

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you

I had a dream that I
Was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid

Oh 'cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting

Before I met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought I had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to

Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you

Fark

2005-06-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Everything I just typed is gone. Damn the back button and also Izzati. GRGRRR..
ok 10nx nad for giving me the flyer , I'll try to circulate the news to everyone.
She's gonna be my bustop fren sooner or later ....keep on bumping into her nowadays.

Today sth weird happen I was on my way to sch ar..habis tiba² I heard someone call my name frm behind. I thought I recognised the voice ...but not to sure mar so didn't turn plus I was head banging on my braders compilation cd. A unity of agression ..u should listen to the whole cd. GEREK.

So yeah, weird ar....whoever the person is and if you're reading my blog. Sorry a 1000 times coz I really didn't hear..kakakaka

I've been a little paranoid over Jeffrey's asignment. Been taking so many pictures but none appeal to me takut kena comment ar. Seriusly . Yeah that's about it ar.
Missin you babang. I'm counting down to Sat. My perfect weekend. Hiazz....

I need you

2005-06-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

My god I'm so tired. Seriusly nowadays I dread to go to school don't know why.
Is it because abang wan is not there to motivate me? MAYBE. Gone were the days where he and I sneak out of classes to meet each other at Blk M stairway. arghhh!! I miss you babang.

Other than that, life is pretty much normal. Caught a cold due to Friday's downpour. Don't EVER ask me how it happen. Ira & Yayat knows the hilarous tale. kwang²x
On Sunday I gave ayah his Father's day gift. He deserve it ar anyway yesterday after sending abang wan back to his camp, I felt that certain voidness. Entah ar. I really need him seriusly.

Today my poster got commented by Jeffrey, MALAS nak layan. Smile all the way. HUR HUR HUR. The way he give nasihat is too "semangat" . Instead of getting scared or feeling guilty, I was laughing all the way. Tomorrow is LeeSL presentation..Pray for me aight??. Gelak siak nonya pasar tu...hahahhaha during our C# elearning....my gang..yayat, me , bad , stella and ben laughed our guts out and finally we agreed that when we graduate there's only two lecturers we'll miss.
1) LeeSL
2) Jeffrey Ong
hahahahhahaha...shitified sia.Gelak nak mampus.
Anyway, this is just a pondering thought and I'm not refering to anybody's present relationship. Ok here goes.
Why on earth in the 1st place do people want to get attached.
a) to hurt ur exspouse or ur present spouse..I can't forget this idiot so I jump the queue
b) Men are all made of sugar , cash and everything that's nice . They are so bully-able. Dig their money ar what else?
c) My balls are tooo itchy I need to fuck and release my juices in a hole or likewise?

See...I mean as a girl who's with someone ar eh...don't ever allow a guy to seize an oppurtunity to get fresh with you. Do you know that girls like that are the very same girls that will cause men( in general ) to be afraid of getting into another relationship.

Entah ar eh but clearly I feel pissed ar. We women should always learn how to behave at all cost or time. Pity my babang syg. Pompan skrg banyak gatal². Puki longgar agak nyer mintak jolok. With that I would like to end today's entry with a note to girls ar, please know how to look after your man. There's so many female buaya's around. Times have changed you know. Don't ever let them seize an oppurtunity to get your man.

Lonely

2005-06-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Irony of being happy.
There's more to this smiling face of mine.
I'm all happy, full of laughters at sch , full of jokes and crapified nonensense but the thruth is I miss him.

I want my beautiful life back. I need the feel of anticipating for every Saturday back again. How I miss all those phone calls bang. Remember the joke about the bird and the areoplane. I told my bunch of classmates, andy, bad and lil suzy...they laugh like hell...even they laugh bang. I truly miss our nonensentic phone calls.
Remember you use to bully me like fark..and we ended up laughing lk a hyena infront of everyone. Yeah.

I truly understand if you can't call me today or any other day for that matter. Sorry if I can't talk to you when you called just now. I was having night class bang. Test yan..this are all test from god. Tonight I feel lost. I don't know. Selalunyer if I were to come back home from night class I would like rush like hell to makan, mandi and stuff like that...just to talk to you. Now, macam ganjil gitu. Damn weird..I feel a certain voidness and lost. Wish you're here bang to crack another lame joke so tonight I can sleep well. I miss you bang. Izzati misses you too. She's been asking about you lately you know. Tonight this words are for you bang.
Tak ade yang lain selain dirimu yang selalu ku puja.
Ku sebut namamu di setiap degupan jantungku...Ku sebut namamu
Noor Irwan Subehan.

My days w/o you

2005-06-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

I cried like shit. I want my darling back. Nasib baik mak dier tak nampak. I'm a cry baby. I love you bang with all my heart. Keep the movie ticket k? Although that ticket meant nothing nor is it expensive, I just want you to remember that when you're away and if you misses me so, look at the ticket and reminisce on our last date.

Like it or not this is part and parcel of life. Yan face the music darling. Though the future scares me so, I will promise to take care of myself, stay focus on us and of course my own life. I promise not to fool around in sch too much and start cracking my head for my assignments. I love you babang. I can't bear to see the look in your eyes and guess what i've been smelling your perfume on your sweater. It still does smell of you. Yeah. I'm addictive to your smell. Physco eh?

Now is LEESL lesson and I'm blogging mampus ar.I've been watching this weeks earworm and all the more I'm crying like shit. It has so much resembelence to what you did to me bang..remember you use to sing with your guitar and me on your bed lying down..or do you remember how i love taking your pictures everywhere we go on our date..god plz gif me the strength please...and do you remember when I feel like kissing you so much I lure you with my finger just like the girl in the video. I had a purpose of putting this weeks earworm. Yeah .

Anyways,this morning my mum told me a good news yang dier dah dapat kerja balik. She woke up early in the morning , pray and knock on my door. She told me that she wants to make "pulut kuning" coz she want to celebrate the joyous ocassion. See now's the goreng part....she said " yani ibu nak kasi pulut kuning kat wan ar..ni hari nak masak lepas tu yani leh kasi dier tak?"
MY GOD...i told her that abg wan masuk ni hari . I feel like crying sia. Bang I hope you make friends down there k? I know you will. Take care k?? I'll be waiting for you bang. Everythings' just not the same. God gimme the strength to be dependent on myself again. Amin.

My love My life

2005-06-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

This whole week, I've been spending sweet sweet moments with him.
Went out with Irfan and Abg syg. The two most important men in my life. Other than man ar...haha ya.

I had fun ar seriusly . That's all I'm going to reveal. *smiles*

Right now I'm waiting for him to pick me up and head on to our plans. Thought of watching movie today, either Mr&Mrs Smith or something . I don't know yet. Go there then decide. I love him. I told his mum I love your son so much, and she just smile.
Yes ar, isn't ironic . I'm close to his grandma rather then my own. hur hur hur. I miss nenek. I want to see her.

Bang whenever I hear our song, I picture you carrying ours bang. I love you so. I know you can be good father. You love children as much as I do. I know you can take care of me well. I promise to perfect your imperfections. I promise I'll stay loyal to you and resist all temptations...though it's hard to coz handsome men are everywhere but the one and only that manage to capture my heart is you.

You may not have the richness of a king's son but I don't care less. In my eyes, you are rich in giving a helping hand, rich in loving a child just like your own, rich in accepting my weakness and stregthing it as my strength. I don't care whether your imperfections hurt others or rather me. To me your worth more than my own pride, worth more than my own feelings. I love you bang. I'm counting down to 14th June. Just 3 more days with you. 10q for everything syg. 10q

My advice

2005-06-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

Thanx Cogi, for advcing me. My gosh, now do I realise that my friends DO care about how I feel. bOHooOHOoo 10nx guys. What will I do without you guys ??? Nowadays my shoutbox turn out to be a love forum for everyone. My goodness, hur hur hur I seriously need to open an "AUNT AGGIE" look alike agency hahhahha...

Anyways, these two days have been well there's only 3 words to describe it....FUN FUN AND MORE FUN. Farn's Bdae was planned out well. They both argued but not so much as I thought it would be. Eventhough we're tired we still pull through to help each other. But what touches my heart most was what abang wan did .
We had a difficult time getting a cab and it's like what 7 plus...we had to walk all the way out to the main junction to get one. So throughout the whole journey he carried izzati along eventhough I know his chest is still pain.

Hiazz, what will I do without you bang? I really don't. Who am I to turn to when u're not around? Everythings' just not the same. Met man today and talked like hell. He updated me on the girl he had a crush on. Cool stuff my brader is improving and scoring plus points on his love life. Good ar I'm damn happy for him. I know someday he will get one. I knew it see...*winks*

Yeah today class well , it's pretty normal. Everythings norm. As usual boring, the costant yawning and yeah I know I'm not paying attention. HUR HUR HUR . Can't take it ar sleepy. I still need to think about Jeffrey Yo's assignment which is due in week 5. Im really not confident of my capabillities you know. Seriously. But then again I'll try alright? Ohh yeah the pictures of the BBq is up feel free to view farn *hint2x clue2x* hhahaha yesterday was fun ar seriusly. Pityful your classmate a lot bubble you sia. Anyways that's about it I am in love with kelly clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes song. It's nice ar . hur hur hur

He's worth sacrificing

2005-06-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Heck I made up my mind. Go and die ar LEESL. My abang is not worth sacrificing for your lesson. I'm gonna come for the afternoon lesson only. Heck I don't care. I want to send him off. I really want to. Hope I can hold back my tears infront of his mum. I don't want his parents to think that I'm head over heels over their son. But it's true ...haha shy ar. Takut kena khawin lepas ni...haha.

Reality hurts. The more I thought about how he's been spending time with me , makes me wanna cry. It all fits into a puzzle. All these months that he's been keeping away from me. No wonder he changed. He knows that he's going and he's making use of the time.....loving me unconditionally. I feel shitified. Now do I realise that the one with mistakes is not him. It's me. Ya allah what have I done?

Bang do remember all those moments when we had our murtabak craving? Or do you remember when you had your ankle twisted and I urutkan u? hahah it was fun seeing you squirm in pain, stim ar. Or do you remember our MSN talks and the advises you gave me about family? and playing tic tac toe. I still suck at it abang. hahha Or do you remember when you piggyback me all the way home from the park to my house..hahhaa. Or do you remember when we bought pizza together for your family and waited patiently for your dad and mum to come back home for lunch? Or do you remember our "honeymoon" at pasir ris? I'll never forget that . Never. Or do you remember all those trips you made to my house to cook together with me? To take care of izzati, bring her out and go BK to eat? Nak nangis siak . I enjoyed every single moment with him and reminiscing all these moments make me wanna cry even more. God..I love him so much. What matters most is I'm so dependent on him..how am I to live w/o him? Even a night w/o hearing his voice on the line makes me restless.I'm so afraid of the future. I know this are all test from god to see how strong my love is for him and to see the closeness of us during that period. I hope he grant me that patience bang, to make up for the losses that I've made all these while. I'm sorry. Im a creep. A real good one at that. I'm sorry if i've not been the best girl on your list. I will change, I want to. Your worth sacrificing for. *muacks*

Why?

2005-05-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Perangai aku macam sial ar.

Why did he keep it away from me after all these months? I regreted for not spending precious time with him. If god granted me a wish. I would ask for a time machine. I want to rewind the past and stop the future. I want recreate back all those happy moments with him. I regret really regret. Just now I talked to his mum and when his mum told me that,after putting down the phone I cried infront of him. I didn't believe him when he told me. I treat EVERYTHING LIKE A DAMN FARKING JOKE!. I didn't know that he's telling the thruth all these while.

Why ? Why must it be so fast? I regreted making that mistake bang. I really do. I shouldn't give in to temptation. He was temptation and I DIDN'T RESIST IT! .

No wonder. It all fits into a puzzle. The gifts, the sending of Dewa-Pupus song and prompting me to listen to the lyrics carefully, the time you spend time with me and my family, the tolerance, the understanding, the kisses , the picking me up from school, the countless jokes on phones, the makan trips we made around the island..etc....it all fits. Why do you have to go away so fast???? I'm afraid bang . I'm so dependent on you and why did you keep it away from me? You'll know I'll feel this way rite?

I can't send him. It's a school day. Dah ar I dah regret wasting 2 mths of our relationship because of temptation, I cannot send you somemore. My god I dun know how to face you bang, or rather reality. I thought you'll always be there for me. I know you won't someday but not this early right? I malu ar. Malu pasal I ni macam sial. I didn't treasure u like i'm suppose to. Baru I sadar bang, I ni egoistic sangat sampai I sanggup sacrificekan our precious two months just to make sure yang I dapat kepuasan. Satisfaction of revenging back at you. All the more I should be spending time with you for that two months. Lagipun lepas exam lagi, can go out hari2x. WHY YAN? APE PASAL EGO KAU BESAR SANGAT??? Why ? For now this song says it all. Bang I'm sorry. I know I've not been the best gerl on your list. Probably the worst ever egositic maniac on earth but for now all I can say is I regret bang . Regret that I've not been spending time with you and treasuring every single moment with you. This song's for you syg.

FUN FUN FUN

2005-05-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

People actually go sch and study,I GO SKOOL PLAY AND laugh and joke. Miss the guys ar...Sub bubble, Yayat the nippleman , bad naruto geek and me well laughing hyena...hahaha. Then kan during lecture best dapat tengok free bulan in the day somemore..gerek I tell ya. Only if we are in the same klass like last sem throught the whole day...confirm kecoh nyer. hahahhaa
Then there's Jeffrey Yo...haahh punya arh step maner nyer garang entah. Dah articulation teruk....I nearly laugh during lab ar serius tapi memandangkan it's 8.00am in the morning , 1st class somemore....give him profit of a doubt.
Then during break, loads of new faces. I feel so old. Teringat zaman dulu when I yr one. Looking back I realised what a selenge and weird girl I am...Ira am I still selenge? hahaha.... The stupid pictures we took at audtitorium, the jokes , fun fun fun ar. Serius. And when it's exams, we mugged our pathetic 1 week holidays to study together....etc.. I'm gonna miss you guys when i graduate. bOHooOhOOoOo~!!~
This Sun Farn's BBQ. Invited the guys over. Hopefully everything goes well. Which brings me to a point, PICTURE TAKING TIME!@!@ *snap snap* hahaha yeah man.
Friday ni nak go shopping for the ingredients to cook for Farn's bbq. Eh now then I remember. There's someone's bdae same as my brother. Erm later ar congratulate.
I really want his bbq to be success. Hopefully my parents chip in ar kalau nak ikut bagus jugak leh keluar extra cashie.
Abg syg pick me up from sch today. Kecoh sey . He asked a stupid question ar.
buat gelak ar. Serius . Though it's short , it's worth the time. I love you darling Sat sleep over eh. Tolong my dad and I masak. Yes ar~!!~!~....my perfect perfect weekend. Looks my life is taking a change for the better. Amin

It's another perfect day

2005-05-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

hiaz...the title says it all. It's all about fate isn't it? No matter how much you try to run away ..if that's someone is made for you then it is. After today all I can say is ..It's another perfect day...another perfect dayyyy...*singing the tune of American Hi-Fi* YAY!~!~!~~!!~

haahhaa please excuse muah french today coz I've been in total madness, heads over heels for him. Actually today didn't start as good as it should be but at challenger it all changed...first as usual abang syg pick me up from my house and then dia step maner nyer marah entah all the way sampai kat City Hall ah dier nyer menses datang...and then kan all of a sudden at challenger when I was choosing the keyboard for my house pasal the one at my house my dad's fren needs it back, he hugged me from behind and said" I'm sorry" ....oooooooooooo I tell ya stim kodok jadinyer aku. hhAHHahAaaaz and then after that censored ar sikit2x je hahaha.
Then abang syg call abang didi nak tanya pasal mouse dier kat rumah....he's so mah farn-ness. It turns out that his mouse his PS/2 capabllity. Leceh ar abang didi.

Later we head on for beach road nak makan. Guys please kalau kat sana try the chicken noodle with wanton...gurantee 100% worth it. After that hearty meal, we went to shop for my shoe. Ni arh yang make me feel hiazzz entah ar confused pun ader . Should I love him or hate him? I saw this brown high cut shoe which I wanted for so long ar...he knows that i'm on budget saving for my precious baby, the next thing I know he bought it for me. He asked the uncle for my size and I'm like ya allah, the least I could do is to chip in. Malu siak...all these time I didn't expect him to you know treasure me so much. I guess it's my fault for taking our love for granted. hmmmm...

Anyway, after that we head back to tamp lepas hanging out kat Marine Parade. I boughtkan dier t-shirt...after all he deserve it. Sampai kat rumah I got a bit annoyed. Farn didn't clean the house like I told him to do so before going out. So it turn's out I CLEAN it afterall. Buang my breath only asking him to clean. While abang syg help me pasang my keyboard. I sat down eating the pineapple he bought for my family...Again should I hate or love him? Then isham's tummy rumble....hahha kuat sey. Pity my brother took care of my izzati dari pagi tak makan. So all of us , me , abang syg, isham and izzati in the end ate at Tampines West CC Mac.....it's sweet of him ar to come out with the idea of dragging izzati along, feed her, main dengan dier kat playground ,eventhough I know how hyperactive Izzati is. Belikan dier mainan masak2x..eventhough it's $3.80 stuff. In the end we reached my house after 830..go overboard sey kita..but it's worth breaking rules...It's all about you....it's all about you bang.

So yeah that's about it. Right now i'm waiting for him to come home and talk to him kat msn. Kesian dier badan sampai lebab angkat barang. Pityful ar see him working seriusly. They treat him like anak tiri...that's why I try not to use his money. He deserve spending it on himself. Like every other Saturday's abang...I'll anticipate for another one more....another perfect day...another perfect Saturday....bohoooooo~!!~

err...mampus i overspent

2005-05-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

hahahhaha i spent like 51 bucks on clothes this month. Mampus. Actually I like that yellow shirt tapi hur hur hur saving eh....mampus. I was alone shopping ar today. After meeting the guys and thought there was books for me to buy. Sekali satu buku je lek sua kambing. Look on the bright side, I get to meet them again. hahahah anyways after an embrassing moment in Ben's car..hahah my god aku bodoh! *smack forehead* head on for 72.

Went to paid bills, buy my house phone and the mirco filter. Habis tu pasal my hands itchy sangatkan..grggrrr I saw this nice draw strings pantskan ...I bought it. 2 for $10 siapa tak nak. That's not enough....I pass by another shop, I saw this batik shirt I beli...then.... I went to This Fashion saw a denim jacket cheap lak tu...grab it and then the horror begins. I sat in the bus I calculate mentally mampus I OVERSPENT BULAN NI....arghhh ader hati nak save for my fender acoustic guitar eh. hhhahahahhah i'm one damn weird girl.

So that means Sat ni tinggal beli shoe with abang wan. Tu pun kalau dier nak ikut. If he doesn't tak pasal. Can go myself. hur hur hur. How??? I think i teruse the duit buku hahahha but then again my mum didn't give me the money for it so what the heck. how? I need isham to take care of my money. ahhahah dangerous ar when I feel like spending, I spend like hell. When I don't, I keep it like a squirel saving nuts for winter.

HHAHAHAHAHa....WwWeEwEeEe..this week's song ala 80's....make me wanna boggey * shakes head back and forth* catchy ar..9 more months to hold my darling baby in my hand...*sobz* wish i'm rich.

Glad & err..my guitar?

2005-05-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm gald that my efforts had not gone down to waste. After all these times I taught my brother dari fail 3 subjects pass 1 jadi pass 3 fail 1 amin.

Later at 1 need to siap and then go to his meeting parents session. I wanna hear what that damn teachers of his has to say. I hate one specific teacher ar. Difficult to say here but whom am I to correct an NIE graduate kan? Yeah . hehheee she's one pain in the *** no wonder students dislike her. CARI PASAL ONLY. hiazz sometimes teachers are not perfect you know.

Anyways, life is as per norm. Sorry if these days I've not been blogging. Busy ar working and doing my accounts to save for my Fender acoustic guitar. Farn's ones a Gibson electric I want an acoustic guitar. Make up your mind yan. Which reminds me school dah nak reopen...can't wait for sunday coz I'm gonna do shopping. Buy my shoe and and my skirt..with darling abang wan...and yeah guys don't watch "THE JACKET" I watched it with abg wan last saturday it suxs...tak paham lansung. Waste money only. I gotta tell aunty that I can't work from 27th onwards....tell her your timetable yan..bom chak2x bom chak2x ..die

To farn: oits...tak nak chip in...tau mintak je, hahhaha!!! CHIP IN ARH SIOL...mampus siak ni macam kalau kak nak simpan $400 lebih maut farn...please?? And by the way farn keluarkan duit amplifier ar..please? tolong kak arh eh? syg dier...farn hensem. Jambul lawar....spec cute mute...hahahhaha...
Oritey? kalau boleh belikan sekali gig bag and the cable ar?? kkk muacks...if canoot kita cari package ar k?? syg farn....ni arh baru adik yang alim. ahhahahahahhaa

My biggest mistake

2005-05-22T04:15:00.000-07:00

Again my ego gets the best of me.

I blew my top. I wish I just shut up you know.But all I did was to nasihat him.
Entah ar sometimes I feel like dying. There's more to this smiling face of mine.
It tells a different story. I can't explain it. It's so difficult. Life is difficult. For now I have no one not even abang wan. I'm confused.

When the going gets tough the tough that gets going. I will survive my ordeal at home. I know I will. I'll try. Amin

Irony of Life

2005-05-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Today is an eventful day for me. I just realise that life is so precious to us ....just yesterday I was worried sick that my abg sayang will meet the calls of death and ironically my neighbours mum which is like a nenek to my family passed away. This morning I woke up by my mum constant kejuting and she told me the news. I couldn't make out any reaction but to just stare at my mum's face in disbelief. I washed up and melawat, then head for work.

You wanna know why? I just saw her last mth, in perfect condition . Can still walk, talk , eat or even drink .Everything is so normal you know. I mean it's so ironical. One minute you're here. If it's your time it's yours you know. No callbacks, no repetition. One shot that's it. It makes me think even more. What was I feeling yesterday when I wrote my entry? Did I feel or had a preminition that someone who's dear and close to me will passed away? The thought gives me shivers I tell ya. Seriusly . One bad thing about being sagittarius is that they are so in touch with their inner feelings and are so sensitive that they can get preminitions or have doubt feelings about the future. That's why sagittarius are emotional.

The irony of life. One thought that will ponder. The irony of it all...it scares me. It makes me think even more...about life itself. What if this or that...What did I do wrong...Will I get another day to undo it.

My sweet2x abg..maafkan I ar bang if all these while I've been a bad gf to you. I know sometimes my ego gets it to you and my stuborness...I'm afraid if there's no tomorrow for me. Before it's too late...till death do us part...you're my only one syg. There's no one compared to you. Please don't doubt my feelings for you. Whatever I say it's true. I'm sincere about my plans and my future with you. I'm sorry if all these while I slap you , argue with you, I'm an ego maniac ok? Yeah that's about it, sampai mati pun bang if either one of us were to go 1st i'll always reminisce how you asked for me to be yours. Always sayang, Love you Md Noor Irwan Subehan.
"Apa ..Kelapa...Terbelah Dua..Terus Jadi Gila ..Macam you ler"

Reconcilliation

2005-05-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

This is weird. Am I weird? Yes I'm weird.

I just reconcilliate with a touch of my past. It's ok arh I'm not so evil .. I forgive whatever wrong doings that he did..bury the hatchet...as for Mr Handsome A ok. He's an asshole. Let's not talk about him for all I care even if he goes taiwan during August, he gets shot. HHAHAAaz....better ar..the lesser I am in contact with him the better. NS did him good. hahhahaaz

Which brings me to a point. Where's abg. He was so sick yst talking to me on the phone. I bet his sleeping in the store again. *hmm* Anyway 10nx to that guy who save my darling abg....I freaked out and cried. I was like ..nooo my gawd that was so close. You're always in my prayers sayang. Always. Even if you die tomorrow and I won't get to tell you how I feel about us and our love, please always remember that with our unconditional love... there's nothing that can be compared to you.

My flu got better. It's not as nasal as before and coz of that I nearly had an asmatha attack yesterday before going bed..cried too much..I'm still having acute chest pains though... I'm scared to lose him. It was so close ...he was so close to the doors of death that today I am like a zombie. This morning aunty called and told me to come to work at the centre tomorrow. Today apparently they have enough people. Ok. All the more better. I can't concentrate on work even if I am called for. Whatever happened I can't explain it here. It's gonna be so detailed it will take tomorrow to finish. My gawd it goes to show how precious life is to us. I love you bang really...I'm in so much thoughts that right now as I'm writing I'm crying..out of worriedness for your safety at work. I'm afraid if I won't see u again tomorrow. I'll be so lost without you. If yst the guy didn't save you, I won't be able to wake up in the morning today. Is god trying to tell me a msg? Is he trying to tell me to cherish whatever I have and love him as true as he did to mine? I wish i can bring him some medicinal soup. Tomorrow ar I'll cook some at night brew it and give it to him 1st thing in the morning. My poor baby.

Apart from that, I'm still saving for my Fender GC-DE10 acoustic guitar. I need amplifier..I need at least 10 freaking mths of saving before I can get that my hands on it...ggrrr I feel like quiting my job. They are payin me a smackerool. I know I need more inorder to save. At least $150 ar...why?? I thought of buying second hand amplifier's anyone wanna sell theirs?

Sweet sweet rain

2005-05-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

I never regretted having you or in words..breaking up with you 2wice. Isn't it amazing that people can just jump str8 into relationship after like meeting for a few times and the next thing you know they are attached . Amazing right? I should really write a book or an article about love at first jump.....hahahhahaaz the next thing you know he/she will be jumping in your pants....hahahaaz be it men or women out of lonliness...blah2x no one to care for ..blah2x and few other knick knack reasons that i don't bother explaining about..it really amaze me. But surprisingly me and abang jolly well didn't start lilke that. Ours was more to friendship, clicking, enjoy each other's company, jokes and even as friends I can confide in him and out of nowhere he cracks the most corniest joke I ever heard. To me that's all matters you know. It's not about the status of that being. Just coz your single means you gotta get your butt out there and have fun, meet someone and fuck. It's not about that entirely. It's about being patient waiting for the perfect one. Trust me it's all worth it. Or sometimes I heard tales about people being with this person to hurt someone. It's bullshit. Yes I did tried to attempt that..I'm no angel but after nearly doing that I realise it's not worth it. I keep telling myself, "what makes this guy any better than your last...he can be annoying..egoistic..blah2x...c'mon yan you can't tahan all these characters in a person..coz u're like them..."
So yeah, a piece of advise to lovers who are in love right now. Don't just you know be with someone for the sake of being with them ...love someone because you know that he's the one and you're comfortable with the idea of him being your one. Don't force yourself to do things you don't feel like". *grins* I really believe in true love and waiting for the one. :)

Right now it's raining. My god sweet2x memories. Right now I'm listening to BSB-Incomplete. ARGHHHH...so romantic. Hiaz the lyrics are beautiful. Damn beautiful.
BANG!! where are you? The pizza i ate just now my gosh...was a handful. Muak siak makan...after watchin movies and all...his mum gave me news...impossible for me to explain here. Somehow I will. His father start asking me and him " wan bila masuk bulan 6 kan...arhh yan this year lagi satu tahun eh?" arghhh
I CAN FEEL THE PRESSURE...noo c'mon not now. Yeah that's about it. I'm gonna miss you abang. Till next saturday abang. As always , I'll anticipate for Saturday...my precious SATURDAY.*muacks*

oOo my love..my darling

2005-05-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry If i haven been blogging. I've been sick and today busy with work at the centre. Tired just came back just now at around 8++. Whole bunch of P4's can really drain ur energy out. Some kids are just adorable some are..irritating but ohh well kids are just kids.

Anyways, nenek tak jadi pergi beach tomorrow. I already wanted to cook. His aunt got some plans for nenek...peng sey I. But what can I do. Maybe some other time ok nenek? I can feel her dissapointment. Hiazz, I think they are inferior that nenek is close to me...I guess? hHHhAAHAhaaz .....tak orang tak kita kan ...how would we know that they are thinking . It's just an assumption.

Oritey, I survived another ordeal at home. No point talking about it. Like I said if I were to mention all the wrong doings of her I would publish my own book. Serius.
I don't know what else to do arh ..... I wish my msg to god will reach her somehow.

YAY!! besok Sat, My abang...hiazz I can only see him once a week. ONCE A WEEK. Tomorrow thought of renting vcd's and watch it at his house. Boleh jugak aku masakan dier...wonder what his mum's going to cook tomorrow...*YUMMY* I am always anticipating for Saturday. It's like a ritual for me you know. A plan . A part of my schedule. Every saturday...zoom his house or zooom go out somewhere. IT doesn't matter where. Just as long I get to meet him and his family. Yeah that's all for today I guess. Tired arh need to rest a bit more my flu is still on. cHiAoZ!

SICK ...I'm damn sick

2005-05-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

K i'm having a major flu here. Serius. It's so blocked. I hate flu. I can't taste a shit boy...arghhh!! Ni arh yesterday went out for tution under the rain..hmmm..then today got flu arghhh...the horror..the horror.

Anyways, today i reported sick for work. hHhaAAaz hope aunty won't scold. I know i'm lazy. Only Sunday , Mon and Fri then go. hHAHaaz MAKAN GAJI SIAK YAN. But I do make a point to come during weekdays k.

It's raining now. My god how I wish abang is here. Mr Handsome A messaged me one of those forwarded msg. It's completely useless. Well , Farn get this straight. Mr Handsome A is not him , it's someone outside. Hint2x clue2x his serving his NS now.
Yeah I mean. WTF right...arghhh I deleted him off my msn account. It irritates me to see his nick. It says something about I'm already with someone, it's impossible for me to find change my heart. ARGHHH,...malas nak layan. I guess me and him tak click animore. Not as much as when I'm single. Yeah...*slaps face* I'm stupid. I don't want to make him feel like his a rebound you know. But then again I already do. Why am I always a victim of cicumstances? Why am I so vunerable to promises and sweet sweet talks...WHY? I'm just a durian you know. HARD ON THE OUTSIDE , SOFT IN THE INSIDE.

Talking about him makes me puke...ABANG!!! I miss you. These few days he's so romantic..the sweets he sent me at my post box...hahaha its stupid but it's the thought that counts. This morning when my mum checked the letter box, she gave me this envelope. He knows that I'm sick these few days, he sent me this yoguhrt sweet I WANTED from like what so long..hahaha SYG ABANG...the talks at night becoming more ******...ahhahaaz the kisses...our plans bang remember? Kalau anak lelaki kita namakan...Ikhram and if it's a girl we namakan Iffah...hahahahaz THE "I" FAMILY...*smiles*

If only I can pluck every each and every one of the stars
above and lay it out for you
on a black canvas I will pick and sew
we will lie down and gaze, praying forever we'll be one
you're worth every fight, you're worth more than my pride
so let god and fate write it's all
sealed with a kiss there's nothing more for you that I would give
Than to present you this gift...
O my sweet everlasting one ...an oath that you and I will keep
For you I dare to this long haul..

Love you Md Noor Irwan Subehan.
Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow's dark array, Days of absence, I am weary; He I love is far away.
*muackz*

A quote for all to digest

2005-05-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

"Don't turn your back on your own happiness just to hug your pride".

This is so bloody true. I was reading one of my karmasutra books about making relationships work and well one of the factor of a person egoistic as I am should always digest this quote in their heads. Thank you Dr Nora Roberts. To think that I have to read all these books to learn how to make my "break-patch" relationship work. Hur Hur Hur you're pathethic yan. I'm serius. Reading all these materials ,made me learn alot....about my characters...the do's and don'ts ...in making a men feel comfortable with your straightforwardness and stuborness.....ahahaahaa...I'm pathethic damn pathethic.

Which brings me to a point. Yesterday. Fantastic Saturday. Well, not as FANTASTIC as I assume it would be. There were hiccups. Arhh...difficult to say here..but in no time..it went well, next week nak ajak nenek go Sembawang beach. I went to visit his nenek yesterday and she's like so poor thing. She's like cooped up at home...I mean nikan budak kecik nak kena ajak jalan2x..aperkan org tua macam nenek. We bought her KFC and you should see the delight in her face..she look so radiant when she's glad...then I and her share secrets and she gave me nasihat and all while abg iron his clothes. Amazing....funny aint it? I'm not close with my own gradmother but I'm close to his. Odd, pityful if only arh eh.....IN MY NEXT LIFE ARH...hahahha *evil grins*

I can't wait to bring nenek go picnic. I told her if senang2x I come and visit ...bring her go market ker, makan2x ker and guess what she ask me to stay with her for a week...alamak...mampus..Looks like she really adores me...oh-oh I smell trouble. But it's sweet arh really wonderful. I want her to be happy you know. If only I can bring her stay with me....MISS YOU NENEK!!! Next week saturday eh?

Any ideas of what to cook for a picnic, keeping in mind there's a 76 yr old grandmama...I thought of cooking sth for the picnic..dier tak der gigi susah sikit ni..if i were to bring sandwiches ...scared she don't eat english food. If cook mee goreng, she already eat that often ...so does nasi goreng...any ideas people?

I won't raise a white flag

2005-05-06T06:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry is all I can say. I'm stubborn ok? I admit. I should never say things that I don't mean. I'm sorry really I am. I vented my anger at you . I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making fun at you..I've myself to blame.

Ibu dgn Ayah gaduh lagi. Ibu cannoot pay her bills. Give free money like that sia..grrgrgrr....ya allah plz show her the way . Help her clear her bills. Haven't ayah had enough? If i were to say all of her wrong doings I could write a book. Sometimes I pity ayah, ni bukan anak buat pasal mak yang cari pasal. Usually daughters or son will corengkan muka kat ayah ni terbalik. What's the world coming to?

Ya allah, tolong arh bukakan ruang hati Ibu untuk sedar kesalahan dier. Ayah dah banyak susah pasal duit...hiazz..wish I can go rob a bank or sth to help my family. You know sometimes I feel like quiting school coz I had enough of my mother's foolishness to spend money like water. But then again If i raise a white flag, I'm no survivor. I've got lossa people to prove to. My grandmother, my uncles, my mother, Allah and lastly myself. I WON'T RAISE A WHITE FLAG AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE , you hear that? I WON'T!

Soory a million sorry's to that certain someone. I truly honestly sorry and I don't want to lose you. I really don't you mean something to me. ALOT. I miss your nenek though. Tomorrow's Sat.

The thought of it makes me cry. I don't know whether you will call or not to confirm the time ...I'm sorry truly I am. I'm an asshole. I think part of why we always end up fighting is because of my stuborness and egoistic character. FARK YAN FARK.... you've really got it going.

All I can say Is whatever it is. I hope tomorrow is a Happy Saturday for me, like all those saturday's that I always anticipate for. I love you Md Noor Irwan Subehan. I'm sorry.These words says it all.

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad about everything
Sometimes I'm mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

Don't give up now running away
I won't hurt you sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional